


Shimmering Beats

by CastielDoesntFeelLikeDancin



Series: Youth Knows No Pain Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 90's feminist bands, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cas in Deanna's fleetwood mac shirt, Coffee Shops, Concerts, Dance Clubs, Dancing, Dates, Deanna is in a band, F/F, F/M, Fem!Cas, Femslash, Fluff, Gets Angsty Later, Goth!Cas, Lesbian Sex, Lesbians, Lots of hot women, Panic Attacks, So is Kathleen Hanna, dean and cas - Freeform, descriptions of rape, fem!dean, fem!destiel, graphic descriptions of non-con, like super gay, the band hole is mentioned a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-22 19:16:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2518826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielDoesntFeelLikeDancin/pseuds/CastielDoesntFeelLikeDancin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deanna Winchester was like soft rock. Smooth to the touch, with a haunting, orgasmic melody, making you think, and rethink and rethink again. A riddle, a poem, a riot and a show. She was so many things, and Castiel worried that she might slip through her fingers if she didn't hold fast to this goddess of an enigma.<br/>This is a series of dates, encounters, and Deanna and Castiel's first few months in a relationship.<br/>Part One Of The Youth Knows No Pain Verse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Accidentals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To my very own Deanna Winchester, wherever you came from, and wherever you go, know that you are made of light, and that you are the Dean to my Cas. <3

 

Bodies packed tightly together in a dimly lit club.  
Moving and gliding like bewitched sardines in a tin.  
Her blonde hair flew and bounced in time with the music.  
In a trance, she watched the girls hips sway and her lips stretch into a wicked grin.  
The colors were off.  
All of this seemed like an acid trip or a coma-induced dream.  
Still, in the off neon flashing lights, she was beautiful.  
Breathtaking.  
Castiel couldn't take her eyes away.  
They were glued to this stranger, this menacing, careless creature.  
Someone bumped into her, sending her backwards and almost knocking her off her feet.  
Then, their eyes met.  
The yellow haired, curvy, piece of art, was looking into her eyes.  
She desperately wished to know what color they were.  
The sorry excuse for lighting in the club was making it impossible to be sure.  
Then, the blonde essence of light actually smiled at her.  
All the air in Castiel's body escaped at once.  
She moved her hips a little faster, eyes still locked on hers.  
Castiel nearly fainted.  
"Cas? Are you okay?" Castiel's friend Charlie interrupted loudly.  
"Yes, Bradbury. I'm fine." she scowled.  
Charlie gave her an odd look, but turned back around to dance with her girlfriend.  
Castiel sighed and turned back to the dance floor.  
The indescribable beauty was gone.  
She blinked in disappointment.  
Castiel realized she shouldn't be as disappointed as she was.  
A hot stranger smiled at her. Big deal.  
She knew nothing of this girl. She could be a total asshole. She hadn't even talked to her.  
So, Cas adjusted her black mini-dress, and poked Charlie in the back.  
"Hmm?" the red-head asked impatiently.  
"I'm going to the bathroom. If you guys are gonna...leave...don't wait up for me. I'll just get a cab."  
"You sure, Cas?" she asked, sounding a little concerned.  
"Yes. I'll probably leave soon anyway."  
"Oooh-kay. Well, if I don't see you, goodnight, be safe, don't get raped or kidnapped." Charlie quickly kissed her on the cheek and then bounced away.  
Castiel loved Charlie. She really did. They had been best friends since the beginning of highschool, but she wasn't in the mood to watch her and her longtime girlfriend make out and grind on each other. It just made her lonely.  
She squeezed her way through the crowd towards the ladies room.  
She might stay for another hour, if she felt like it. She needed to check her makeup anyway.  
The bathroom was surprisingly empty, Cas sighed in relief. She was not in the mood to push horny lesbians out of her way.  
She plopped down her bag at one of the sinks and took in her appearance.  
Her eyeliner was fading. Time for a touch up.  
She pulled out the eyeliner-pencil from her makeup case and reapplied.  
Black and heavy. Just the way she liked it.  
She played with her hair a bit, studying her outfit and making sure all was in check.  
That's when the bathroom door swung open.  
The elegant, evil yellow flower from earlier stepped into the room.  
Their eyes locked, and as the door swung closed again, the stranger gasped.  
"Hello." Castiel managed to say, drinking in the woman's appearance and looking her up and down.  
"Hey." The girl said, obviously flustered, stepping a few feet closer.  
Cas could now see the woman much better. In the bright, fluorescent light.  
Her hair was sandy blonde, and soft and silky looking. Her fair skin was freckled, and almost milky. Her lips were pink and chapped, and her eyes were forest green. Piercing and beautiful.  
She had soft curves, and was wearing jean shorts that hugged her hips nicely. Deliciously.  
She was wearing a crop top. Castiel wanted to kiss her stomach and mark it up all over with hickeys.  
Self control is vital. She thought.  
"You're a very good dancer." she said, eyes still locked at the woman's green ones.  
"You think?" she smiled softly. Castiel could've melted right there. Her voice.  
A little bit husky, but damn it was made of silk and she swore that it was a song.  
Castiel turned away from the sink and stepped closer. Probably too close.  
"What's your name?" she asked.  
"Deanna. Or Dee. Or Princess. Whatever you wanna call me." she chuckled.  
What an adorable smug little shit.  
"What about you?" Deanna, Dee or Princess asked.  
"I'm Castiel. Most people just call me Cas."  
"Castiel. I like it. It's an angel's name, right?"  
Her eyes widened at that. Barely anyone ever knew where her name came from.  
"Yes. The Angel Of Thursday."  
"My little brother is really into all that stuff. Angelology or whatever." Deanna smirked. "He talks about it a lot, so I pick up on a few things here and there."  
Goddammit that smirk.  
That's it. Castiel had been very patient but this deadly hot thing had really tested her.  
She backed them up into a wall. Now she had her cornered.  
"You know, you should be careful who you smirk at like that."  
That just made the little idiot grin wider.  
"Oh yeah? Why?"  
"It might just do things to some people." Cas practically growled.  
"Some people...like...you?" she asked, knowingly.  
That's it. Castiel had officially lost control of herself.  
She crushed their lips together, and Deanna made a surprised, but pleased, sound in the back of her throat.  
She wrapped her arms around the dark haired girl's neck and kissed her back, with passion and intent.  
Castiel couldn't help but moan at that.  
She parted her lips and worked her tongue against the seam of the other girl's mouth.  
Deanna quickly obliged and parted her lips as well, giving Castiel full access.  
She tasted like whiskey and nicotine and summer. She was already addicted.  
Finally, after what could have been an hour, Castiel had to pull away...cause...air.  
"Wow." Deanna whispered against her neck. She wrapped her arms around Castiel's middle and stayed like that for a few seconds.  
"Do you want to go somewhere with me? Somewhere, maybe a little more private and a little less loud?"  
"I thought you'd never ask." she chuckled.  
So, Castiel took her hand and lead Deanna out of the ladies room, through the bodies twisting and grinding, and out inside. The air was fresh and cool.  
"I didn't drive here."  
"That's cool. I did. We can take baby. C'mon."  
Deanna dragged her around the corner to the other side of the parking lot.  
They walked over to a '67 Chevy Impala, and Deanna gave the car a friendly tap on the hood, before jumping into the drivers seat.  
"C'mon, get in."  
For a few seconds, Castiel hesitated, but then quickly realized that Deanna was kind and funny and beautiful and really what did she have to loose?  
She hopped into the passenger side of the car.  
"Where should we go?" The beautiful, angel of a woman smiled at her.  
"Where ever you want."  
"Do you wanna get coffee?"  
"Sounds lovely."  
So, Deanna rolled down the windows, and put on some classic rock, but kept the volume down to more of a background sound.  
Castiel watched, as once again, Deanna's beautiful soft, golden hair flew and bounced and glided. This time, in this breeze.  
Every once in a while, she would turn and smile at her. Or hum along to the music, or tap her fingers along to the beat on the steering wheel.  
Castiel slowed realized, that she hadn't known this woman for more than an hour, and she was already having the most fun she had had in years.  
-  
The Impala stopped in front of a cozy, local, coffee shop that looked relatively empty.  
"C'mon Cas." she said, flashing the brunette a grin and hopping out of the car.  
Castiel followed her into the shop, walking close to her, but not daring to push her luck with the hand holding again.  
"This place is great. The caffeine is dirt cheap and it's probably the best I've ever had."  
They smiled at one and other, and stepped inside.  
-  
It was warm inside, just as cozy as it looked from the outside.  
The only person there was the barista, who smiled and greeted Deanna with a hearty hello.  
"Hey Pam. How are things?"  
"Oh, just fine. Who's your friend?" Pam eyed Cas with a dangerous smile.  
"This is Cas. We met like...an hour ago." Deanna grinned.  
"I like your piercing."  
"Thank you." Cas said, fidgeting with her lip-ring self consciously.  
"Well, it looks like you two have the place you yourselves tonight. I guess that's not all that surprising, considering it's after midnight and I could be asleep."  
Deanna rolled her eyes.  
"We'll each have a latte, and...what kind of pie do you have?"  
Cas took note of the glimmer in the blonde's eyes when she mentioned pie.  
"Banana cream and apple, darlin'."  
"Ooh-ho. Cas, you have to try Pam's apple pie. It's seriously the best thing ever."  
"Alright."  
"So, two slices of apple, please."  
"That all?" Pam asked with a smile.  
"Yup."  
Deanna paid for their refreshments and the two of them went to find a place to sit.  
"Well, this is weird huh? A fun, interesting sort of weird. But weird." The blonde said, after they found themselves in a corner booth, across from one and other.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Well, I don't normally make-out with hot strangers I meet in clubs, and then take them to my favorite coffee shop. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm already having a blast. I was just thinking how weird it is."  
Cas blushed.  
"That's true. This is, indeed, strange."  
"I go to that club every weekend and I've never seen you there once, so, either I'm just like going insane, or tonight was your first time there?" Deanna asked.  
"Well, I'm fairly new to town, and I'm not much of a dancer. My friend Charlie and her girlfriend dragged me out with them. Normally I just spend my weekends writing and complaining about how I never do anything."  
Deanna chuckled, a flirtatious gleam in her eyes that was impossible to miss.  
"So, you're an introvert?"  
"I wouldn't go to those lengths. I'd say I'm an outcast with limited patience for other humans."  
Then Deanna laughed. Wholeheartedly. Open mouthed, eyes crinkling at the corners.  
Castiel was lost in that laugh.  
"Whatever, you're totally a shy, loser introvert."  
"I've had no problem talking with you, in fact, I was the one who approached you, Deanna."  
"Dude. You did not. You just stood there awkwardly watching me dance."  
"I mean in the bathroom-"  
"Here are your drinks and pie, girls." Pam interrupted, setting down the plates and cups.  
"Thanks Barnes."  
"You're welcome, Winchester. You kids have fun."  
Winchester. Castiel took note of that.  
"So, you said you write. Do you write books or something?"  
"Yes. I'm working on a series. It's...definitely a work in progress. What about you? What do you do?"  
"I'm in a band. I wouldn't say it's what brings in the money, but I consider it my career. I fix cars at my uncles auto shop, and bartend when I need the extra cash."  
"Wow. You sound busy."  
"Eh. Not really. I mean, I only work so much because I don't have anything better to do, y'know? I have friends and stuff, but they have their own lives."  
"I see."  
"So, Cas. What sort of music do you like?"  
"I thought you might ask that. I'm very open minded when it comes to music. I like a little of everything. Besides country. I really can't handle country. I seriously, can. not. handle. country. Besides that, I really love the Cure, Depeche Mode, David Bowie, and Siouxsie."  
"I was curious, because you've got that whole dark and mysterious goth girl vibe going on."  
Cas blushed furiously.  
"You're adorable."  
"Shut up you little shit."  
"Well, I'm sure you've guessed, but I'm definitely a classic rock girl myself."  
"Obviously. I'm guessing your band is in that sort of genre."  
"We try. I'd like to think we're good. You should hear us play sometime."  
"I'd like that." Castiel just liked the idea that Deanna was already thinking there would be a sometime.  
Deanna took a bite of her pie and motioned for Cas to do the same.  
The pie really was delicious, and they chatted for at least another hour about music, and their families and their high school experiences.  
By three a.m., the girls decided they should probably leave before Pam kicked them out.  
So, Deanna drove Castiel home, and they giggled and sung along to Deanna's AC DC album the whole way back.  
When they pulled into Cas' driveway, they looked at each other, wanting nothing more than to stay in that car forever.  
"So, uh...can I have your number?" Deanna finally asked.  
"Oh! Of course." she pulled a pen out of her bag, and quickly scribbled the numbers down on the blonde's freckled arm.  
"Should I walk you to the door?"  
"If you'd like." she beamed.  
So, they both walked up to Castiel's door, Deanna with her hands in her pockets.  
They stared at each other, neither wanting to be the one to say goodbye first.  
"I'm gonna be real honest here Cas, I'd really like to kiss you right now."  
"Then do it, lame ass." with that, she slammed their lips together.  
"Dude, I'm not even sure tonight was real. It was the most fun I've had in years. I feel like I've known you forever."  
"I couldn't agree more."  
"Text me. Call me. Do whatever. I don't even care. Just, as long as I get to see you again soon."  
Castiel smiled and kissed her one last time.  
"I will. Now go home and get some sleep."  
"Alright, Cas. Goodnight."  
"Goodnight, Deanna."


	2. Extremely Attractive Alternative Acoustic Punky Grrl Bands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deanna invites Castiel to a gig her band is playing.

"What does one even wear to a concert?" Castiel asked, sprawled out on her bed.  
"Something hot, as hot as you can find." Charlie had said, distantly, as she went through Cas' closet.  
"Nothing with pink, alright?"  
"Got it. Stand up. I need to compare."  
Cas stood up and swayed awkwardly near the closet.  
The red-head examined two dresses, holding them up to Cas with a concentrated expression.  
"I say this one! With your boots, and maybe fishnets? What do you say? Ooh! And can I come over and do your eyeliner and your hair?! PLEASE CAS."  
"Okay! Okay! Yes. I'll take your word for it. You're the expert after all."  
"I'm not just an expert, I'm a queen."  
Castiel rolled her eyes good naturedly, and hugged Charlie.  
"Thank you for this."  
"Of course. What else am I for? I'm your only queer friend. You need me to help you get by in life."  
"Charlie, you're my only friend."  
"Uh! What about Meg?!"  
"She's barely around. You're the one that counts." she waved her off.  
Deanna had invited Castiel to her show the next night. Their band was playing. They were sort of alternative rock and sometimes acoustic. Deanna sung. Castiel couldn't decide if she was more nervous or excited.  
"Maybe you better just sleep over. I need the mental preparation and it'd be easier if you were just here all night." Cas said, logically.  
"Sounds good. Can we get pizza?"  
"Of course."

 

Meanwhile, Deanna was having similar problems. With nervous energy, let's say.  
She was on the phone with Jo, the guitarist in the band.  
"JO WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHY DID I INVITE CAS WHAT IF I BREAK DOWN ON STAGE AND DIE BECAUSE SHE'S TOO ATTRACTIVE."  
"I think you just made me deaf. Calm down, Dee." Jo said, gently.  
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CALM DOWN."  
"Take a deep fucking breathe, princess."  
"Okay. I'm sorry. I just. Singing in front of friends and strangers, no big deal, but this adorable little shit? HOW?"  
"The guys and I will make sure everything runs smoothly okay? You're gonna do great, Deanna you always do. Besides, you'll probably impress the shit out of her and end up getting laid so just calm down."  
"Thanks Jo." Deanna sighed.  
"Jeez, you must really like her, and you've been on what? One date?"  
"One accidental at one in the morning date, but we've been talking a lot since."  
"You're so adorable."  
"Dieee!" was her retort in a sing song voice.  
"Well, I hope everything goes well with her. I should probably go, I wanted to get some practicing in before tomorrow. We'll do fine, Deanna."  
"Alright. Goodnight Jo. Thanks again."  
"No problem, princess. Goodnight!"  
With that, Deanna hung up the phone, and sighed deeply.  
She set it down on the kitchen table and grabbed a beer from the fridge.  
Why had she invited Castiel to the concert? Why hadn't she thought about how nervous that would make her?  
Why couldn't she just invite her out for dinner or something?  
There was no turning back now. She knew everything would turn out okay. Her band was seriously awesome.  
Just, she couldn't stop thinking about those piercing blue eyes pouring into her like they could read her mind, and she knew that would fluster her while she was singing.  
Finally, finishing up her beer, Deanna decided to hit the sack to save her energy for tomorrow.  
The more she thought it over, the more excited she was to actually see Cas tomorrow.

 

Castiel was near the front, but not too close. She wasn't going to dance and she really didn't want to be trampled by crazy idiots.  
Deanna's band, "Righteous Riot" would be on in a few minutes.  
She was shaking, trying to contain her excitement.  
She picked at her freshly painted finger-nails until she heard foot-steps on the stage.  
There was Deanna, decked out in black combat boots, and a skull patterned snug fitting crop top, along with a black mini-skirt. Her hair was in pigtails. Cas was sweating.  
Then, Deanna caught her eye and winked, actually winked.  
Castiel's sexual organs exploded.  
The blonde adjusted her hair and smiled at her once more before stepping up to the microphone.  
"Hey everybody." the crowd cheered. "Thanks for coming out tonight. It means a lot. We're Righteous Riot"  
The guitarist, a pretty blonde girl with a charming smile, played a few notes to test the instrument, and then nodded at the bassist, a sweet looking red-head, and at the drummer, a brunette with a troubling smirk on her face, who yelled the starting count.  
The venue exploded into a musical rupture. The melody tempting and delicious. Deanna swayed softly to the beat, and Castiel could see her nodding her head, counting.  
Then, an impossible, glorious thing happened.  
Deanna Winchester began to sing.

  
 _"Ocean Rose,_  
 _From another dimension_  
 _Always singing_  
 _Always dancing_  
 _Soul of mercury_  
 _Heart of sunshine_  
 _Baby, oh so glad that you're mine."_

  
Castiel forgot how to breathe. The beat was intoxicating, and the velty sounds coming out of that woman's mouth, well, they couldn't be real.

_"I'm a little girl so lost in my mind_  
 _When you walked in_  
 _You weren't sure what you'd find,_  
 _But you sure found something._  
 _Didn't you_  
 _Didn't you_  
 _Didn't you"_

  
She was transfixed. Unable to take her eyes away. She couldn't move or think. Only listen.

  
 _"And the pressure of her lips_  
 _Against mine_  
 _Was all that I needed_  
 _To feel alive_  
 _The fire grew brighter_  
 _And stronger_  
 _And still_  
 _My mind is ill"_

 

"Righteous Riot" played a total of five songs, each leaving Castiel more breathless than the last. Finally, when the last song ended, she just stared, mouth agape, at that beautiful, gorgeous, talented, bright woman who had her obsessed.  
Deanna looked over at her with a nervous, questioning expression. She seemed almost surprised at her reaction.  
How?  
Did Deanna truly not know how flawless and amazing she was?  
Apparently not.  
A few minutes passed and people began to filter out of the venue.  
The guitarist, the blonde one, worked her way through the crowd until she was standing in front of Castiel.  
"Hey there, you're Cas, right?"  
"Y-yes. That would be me." she said, face still furiously red.  
"I'm Jo. I've known Deanna since we were kids. It's nice to meet you." she stuck out her hand.  
"It's nice to meet you too." Castiel was impressed she was able to string so many words together at a time like this.  
"Deanna wanted me to bring you backstage, she says you guys are going out for drinks and she didn't want you to get lost."  
"Oh! Uh-right. Thank you."  
"No problem, follow me."  
So, Castiel tagged behind Jo like a lost puppy until they were in a brightly lit room.  
She wasn't aware of anything anymore besides the fact that Deanna was now a few feet away, face flushed, blonde hair now falling around her shoulders.  
"Hey, Cas." she said, her voice a little softer than normal. Shy. Adorable.  
Seriously, Cas couldn't control herself if she tried.  
She lunged across the room, pressing her lips hard against the other girl's.  
After a few seconds of shock, Deanna threw her arms around Castiel's neck and kissed her back with a blinding force.  
There were a few whoops and hollers from the other girls in the band, and then Cas finally pulled away.  
"Wow. I gotta say, I was not expecting that." Deanna said, voice wrecked.  
"S-sorry. I couldn't help it."  
"Don't apologize. I'm certainly not complaining." she said with a smirk.  
"You guys are gross." said the brunette drummer girl.  
"Ah. That's right." Deanna put an arm around Cas' waist. "Before we go, I thought I'd introduce you to the girls."  
"The blonde one who you've met is Jo. The snarky bitch on the drums is Ruby, she's a snarky bitch."  
"Excuse me, Deanna." Ruby objected.  
"Shuddup."  
"And that's Anna." Deanna pointed. "Probably the most sane out of all of us."  
"Nice to meet you, Castiel."  
"Nice to meet you, as well." Cas smiled.  
"Alright, well, since you know the gang now, let's get the fuck outta here! Bye bitches!"  
The other girls sniggered as Deanna lead Castiel away from the other girls.  
"YOU CRAZY KIDS HAVE FUN AND DON'T FORGET TO USE PROTECTION!" Ruby called after them.  
Cas blushed.  
"WE'RE LESBIANS RUBY SHUT UP!" Deanna called back with a smile.

 

"You were nervous?" Castiel couldn't believe it.  
"Understatement Cas. I don't know how I kept my cool up there."  
There were about a hundred things she wanted to say to that.  
"But you looked so-and you-it's just I-I could-UGH!" Castiel covered her extremely red face with her hands.  
Deanna laughed.  
"Hey, don't hide." she took a swig of her beer. "You liked the show, then?"  
"Understatement, Deanna." Cas mocked.  
"You little shit."  
Indie music played softly in the bar, and Deanna's eyes glowed in the dim light.  
"I dunno. I didn't really know what to expect, y'know? I'm totally cool singing for friends and strangers, I know I'm good at it, but I've never sung in front of someone I actually like in that way, knowing you were watching me. It made things both better and harder. I think I put more into it, but also, I was shaking the whole time."  
Cas blushed even more at that.  
"You have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard, for the record."  
Deanna giggled, actually giggled, and slapped Castiel on the wrist.  
"I take it you write all the songs?"  
"Yup. I've been writing songs for years. I really love it."  
"It shows." Castiel grinned at her.  
Four and a half drinks later, they were laughing hysterically, and getting ready to leave.  
"Hey Cas, I know this is like, only our second date and all but it's not like we haven't talked since our last and stuff, and I was wondering, do you wanna like...spend the night at my place? I don't mean it in a sexy way, unless you-ah...You get it. I just, I don't really wanna say goodnight. Y'know?" Deanna's face was cherry red, and the shy smile on her face was intoxicating.  
"I would like that."  
"Really?"  
"Yes, Deanna." she smiled widely.  
"Awesome!"

 

 

They stumbled through the door about forty minutes later.  
"Good thing we took a taxi. I'm too drunk to drive. Thanks for not letting me be stupid, Cas." Deanna said, invading Cas' personal space.  
"Anytime." she said with a grin.  
Suddenly, Castiel was up against the kitchen counter, being kissed furiously.  
"Your eyeliner's really hot, Cas. So is that dress." she whispered.  
"Mmm." Cas leaned into the kiss.  
"As much as I'd really like to rip it off you, I think we should probably be sober for that." Deanna said, her forehead pressed up against the other girl's.  
"I reluctantly agree." she whispered, with a grin.  
"So, water? Pajamas? Bed? Sound good?"  
"Excellent."  
Deanna stepped back a little, and took her hand and lead her through the house to her bedroom.  
Cas flopped down onto her bed, breathing in the calm, lovely smell of Deanna. The summer and the nicotine and the leather and the cinnamon.  
"Here." she threw her a Fleetwood Mac t-shirt and a pair of sweats.  
"Stevie Nicks?" Castiel grinned.  
"Mmm. Stevie Nicks." Deanna agreed.  
"You can just change in here. I won't look..." there seemed to be a but I really want to hanging in the air.  
"Alright."  
So, they both got changed, backs facing each other, faces flushed.  
"You done?"  
"Yup." Cas giggled.  
They both whirled around and took in the sights. Deanna was in a Led Zeppelin tank and boxers.  
"You're so hot." Cas mumbled.  
"You're such a little shit." was Deanna's retort.  
They both climbed into the blonde's queen sized bed, burrowing under the covers next to each other. Castiel wrapped her arms around Deanna's middle, and buried her face in her hair, letting out a long, happy sigh.  
Deanna chuckled.  
"Goodnight, Cas."


	3. Quiet and Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deanna invites Castiel over for a lazy day inside.

Deanna had referred to it as a "lazy sunday."   
She didn't have to work, so that morning she had texted Castiel repeatedly until she responded, informing her that she was going to come over and they were going to watch as many movies as they could in twenty four hours.   
Cas reluctantly agreed.   
She wasn't very updated on pop-culture and she didn't really know what was included in a lazy sunday.   
What if she didn't meet up to Deanna's expectations?   
She called Charlie before she got in the shower.   
"Cas, seriously, lazy days are probably one of the best parts of being in a relationship. You shouldn't stress over it. The whole point is that it's not supposed to be stressful. You get to eat junk food and cuddle and kiss and watch movies. It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure you'll have a great time. Oh, and, wear something comfortable-ACTUALLY! I take that back, wear what you always wear. Trust me. Just! Have a good time!"   
Then, the red-head hung up, and Castiel was left staring at her cell phone.   
"Alright then."   
Deciding to follow Charlie's advice, since it was the only lifeline she had, Cas picked out her outfit and got into the shower, letting the hot water sate her and prepare her to once again gaze upon the goddess Deanna Winchester.   
She scrubbed at her hair and combed through it with her fingers slowly, enjoying the feeling of her hair gently pulling around her hand.   
After a throughout washing, she turned off the water and stepped out, wrapping a towel around her body.   
She got dressed and did her hair, pinning back her bangs with a black barret, and she put on her normal amount of eyeliner.   
When Castiel was finally satisfied with her appearance, she grabbed her messenger bag and texted Deanna that she was on her way.   
\-   
Deanna opened the door.   
She was in nothing but a Blondie tank top and light pink boxers.   
"Hey there, Cas." she said, that wild smirk of her face.   
"Uhh-hi." she said, stepping into the cinnamon smelling apartment.   
Deanna shut the door and spun around, very obviously now in Castiel's personal space.   
"I missed you, y'know." her green eyes crinkled at the edges when she smiled.   
Castiel's whole face was hot, and she was at a bit of a loss for words, but she really wasn't complaining about any of this.   
"I missed you too." she whispered.   
"I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, I hope you know. This is just what I'm comfortable in. I can change, if you-"   
"No no! It's fine! You just caught me off guard. I am NOT complaining." Cas smiled then, wrapping her arms around Deanna.   
"Good." she said, with a happy sigh.   
They pulled away, and Deanna lead Cas into the living room and made her sit, while she got them food.  
While she was in the kitchen, Cas took in the sights and smells of the other girls apartment.   
The air smelled like cinnamon, like she had noted before, but also cigarettes, and incense, surprisingly enough.   
There were two brown leather couches in the living room, both with at least three blankets draped over the back. There were lots of windows, that were open, with sunshine leaking through.   
Pictures hung on the walls, which she couldn't see very well from where she was sitting. But she could tell a lot of them had the same boy in them, who must be the infamous "Sammy". Deanna's younger brother.   
What surprised Castiel the most was that she heard Bikini Kill, playing softly in kitchen, they were a 90's punk band who literally came up with The Riot Grrl movement. Deanna had said she was a classic rock girl, and Bikini Kill was definitely not classic rock. It was surprising, and it made Castiel's heart go a little warm. She loved that band.   
She just about lost it when she heard Deanna singing along, quietly. You have to listen to Bikini Kill A LOT to be able to understand the words, because it's so fast and screamy.   
Castiel smiled at the wall.   
The microwave beeped and Deanna came back a few minutes later with a bowl and popcorn and a platter of chicken nuggets with various sauces in little dishes. My god. She put her dipping sauces in separate dishes. Why did that make Castiel silently implode? How could something so simple and random be so adorable?   
She set down the food on the coffee table, and retreated back into the kitchen to grab them each a Mountain Dew.   
"Here, have some radioactive poison, it's good for the soul." she chuckled, as she threw a bottle to Castiel.   
Castiel laughed and watched as Deanna flopped down next to her on the couch.   
"Well, now everything's ready, but there's still one thing...Follow me." she said, grabbing Cas by the hand and leading her to Deanna's bedroom.   
Castiel had been here before, but she was too drunk and sleepy to actually appreciate the place.   
The sent of Deanna was overwhelming in the bedroom, which made sense, but it nearly made Cas pass out, it was such a good smell, it was kind of hard to wrap one's mind around.   
She ordered Castiel to sit on her bed, and she went over to the dresser to grab some clothes.   
"Here." she threw some articles of clothing at Castiel. "You're overdressed."   
Deanna had selected some gray yoga pants and the same Fleetwood Mac t-shirt from the last time she had been here.   
Now Castiel understood what Charlie had meant.   
"You can change in here. I'll pick out a movie and you can come out when you're done."   
She smiled again, and Cas watched as she moved gracefully out of the room and shut the door behind her.   
-  
Castiel flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling.   
What are the odds?   
How did she come in to be laying in this beautiful women's bed, talking with her and kissing her and "going steady" with her?   
She took in the smell of Deanna for a few seconds, before getting up and quickly changing into the soft, worn in clothes and heading out into the living room, dragging her fingers along the walls and feeling safe and content.   
She found the blonde, nibbling on a chicken nugget and standing over the T.V., putting a disc into the dvd player.   
"Hello." she said quietly.   
Deanna whirled around and faced Cas, looking her up and down. Her face turned red and her eyes went wide. Emerald orbs blowing up.   
She swallowed her food, and smirked.   
"I gotta say, Cas. You look great in my clothes."   
Cas felt her whole body heat up and start to hum.   
"Thank you." she said, quietly.   
Deanna wiped her hands on her t-shirt.   
"O-kay! So, The Craft sound good?"   
That was literally Castiel's favorite movie.   
"That's literally my favorite move."   
"Awesome! Get your ass over here!"   
-  
About forty minutes later, they were both curled up on the couch. All the food was gone.   
Deanna was in Cas' arms, and she seemed to be drifting off.   
Castiel couldn't help but smile.   
She wasn't even paying attention to the movie anymore, after all, she had seen it more times than she could count.   
She was now so wrapped up in Deanna's breath, and hair and sent and presence.   
Nothing could ruin her mood at a time like this.   
She gently combed her fingers through the blonde girl's hair, earning a happy hum.   
Castiel closed her eyes and leaned her head on Deanna's shoulder.   
Soon, she was asleep.   
\-   
"Casssstiellll." a sweet voice beckoned in soft, musical tones.   
Castiel's eyes flickered open. She was met with a bright, summertime forest green, and golden sunshine blonde locks.   
"Hello Deanna." she whispered.   
She chuckled, and Cas was suddenly very aware of the fact that they were extremely close together on the couch, and one of Deanna's hands was resting on her hip, while the other combed through her hair.   
"I figured I should wake you up before it got too late, otherwise you'd never fall asleep." she said, a little chuckle in her voice.   
"How long have we been out? How long have you been up?"   
"Oh, not long at all. A few minutes maybe? It's around two, so probably like an hour and a half.   
Castiel hummed and gave Deanna a quick peck on the lips.   
"Y'know, I love your lip piercing. It's so hot to kiss a girl with her lip pierced."   
Cas smiled, and kissed her once more.   
"I'm glad you approve."   
They smiled at each other for a few seconds, before Deanna cleared her throat and sat up.   
"So, another movie? Do ya want coffee? Maybe we can stay awake this time?"   
"Coffee would be wonderful."   
\-   
They laughed their way through Rent, and ranted their way through The Breakfast Club, and made out through But I'm A Cheerleader.   
As the credits to the last movie ended, they looked at each other.   
"I would just like to warn you, expect a mix tape soon." Cas said, a serious look in her eyes.   
"Like, a 90's mixtape? Or a mix c.d.?" Deanna asked, smiling.   
"Both. A c.d. with mostly 90's music on it."   
"You Ol' Romantic."   
"By the way, little Miss Lies, you said you only liked classic rock, don't pretend you weren't singing along to Bikini Kill earlier today. I heard you." Castiel narrowed her eyes and stared into the blonde girl's soul.   
"HEY! I did not say I only liked classic rock. I said I was a classic rock sort of girl! You can tell I like other people, I mean, Fleetwood Mac. Blondie. Bikini KIll. Obviously. Jeez." Deanna's face was red.   
"By the way, does your band have a record yet? I want it. Like now."   
The blonde's face was now cherry, fruit-punch, rouge, probably as flushed as humanly possible.   
"No. We don't have an album or anything, but uh...thanks. Just for saying that. The band is important to me and I try really hard at it, so...that actually means a lot."   
Castiel entwined their fingers together.   
"I'm not just saying that, Deanna, I mean, yes, I find you extremely attractive and charming so I may be a bit biased, but I think you and your friends create great music, that I would seriously listen to in my spare time."   
Deanna hid her face in the crook of Cas' neck, and mumbled something inaudible.   
"What was that?"   
"You're perfect."   
Now Cas was blushing too.   
"You're deadly fucking hot, super sweet, and smart and funny, and we like all the same things and you actually honestly like my music and think that what I do is worth while. Like you actually give a shit. I have such a good time with you, and I practically live for getting texts from you every day. Just sayin."   
"Deanna,"  
"I mean it. I really like what we have."   
Cas just smiled widely, and kissed her tenderly.   
"Do you wanna spend the night?" she asked, quietly.   
"I would like nothing more."


	4. Sinking Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deanna invites Cas out for dinner to meet her brother and her brother's girlfriend.

A few days later, Castiel woke up in her own bed.  
Sighing, she wished she was waking up next to Deanna.  
She got up, put on a t-shirt, and headed out into the kitchen of her apartment.  
She found her phone, plugged in on the kitchen counter, waiting for her with a new text.  
It was from Deanna;

  
_> Hey Cas, I miss you. That's weird. I saw you like two days ago. I miss you anyway. I was just wondering if you'd be interested in coming out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend, and me of course._

  
Cas thought for a moment. She did want to meet Deanna's brother, she just hoped she could handle it.

_< Hello Deanna. I miss you too. I would like that a lot._

She put her phone down and got a glass of water to take her anti-depression pill with.

Leaning against the counter, she looked out the kitchen window, wondering what Deanna's family would be like.

 

  
 _HEY CAS IM OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR OPEN UP!_  
Castiel put her phone down and rushed to the door.  
Deanna stood outside, in a light green short dress and black converse, her long legs stretching forever, dirty blonde hair falling past her shoulder in graceful dismay, emerald eyes with a slight burnt shadow to them.  
"Hey Cas." she said, that same wicked smirk spreading across her face.  
"Hello Deanna." Cas mumbled, feeling her face heat up and cursing her entire existence.  
"You ready to go?"  
"Umm, yes. Hold on."  
Castiel dashed back into the apartment and grabbed her purse.  
"Let's go."  
She closed and locked the door behind her and followed Deanna out to the Impala.  
-  
"So you're the infamous Castiel?" said a very tall, muscular long haired man, that Castiel assumed was Sam.  
"Umm, yes. You must be Sam?" she crushed herself for the shakiness in her voice.  
"Nice to meet you." he smiled, warmly. "This is my girlfriend, Jessica."  
"Jess." she said, reaching out to shake Castiel's hand.  
They were at a upscale diner ish sort of place, and she was clutching Deanna's hand like it was her only lifeline.  
As the waiter lead them over to their table, Deanna leaned over to whisper in Cas' ear.  
"Are you ok?"  
The blue-eyed girl nodded, but she didn't let go of the Deanna's hand.  
They all sat down, Castiel next to Deanna, and across from Jess. She felt a little better, still being able to clutch at the blonde and smell her, calmed her down.  
Deanna traced circles into Cas' hand.  
"You're okay." she whispered. "I promise you, Sam's really not all that bad. He may seem like a pro wrestler but really he's just a jolly green giant."  
That at least, got Castiel to crack a smile.  
Deanna chuckled and turned to Sam.  
"You're making her nervous, bitch. Stop acting like a big scary lawyer and just be the pathetic puppy you are."  
"Um, excuse me, jerk?" he said. "I am, indeed, a puppy. But I will argue against the pathetic."  
Jess, Deanna, and Sam laughed. Castiel eyed them all, nervously.  
"I don't mean to scare you, Castiel. Really, like Deanna said, I'm harmless." Sam said with an easy smile.  
"I swear, I wouldn't let him say or do anything stupid. I'd beat him up." Jess added.  
"She would."  
"It's not your fault. I'm sure you're wonderful." Castiel said quietly. "I have a hard time...with men. Trusting them, and all of that. It really has nothing to do with you, it'll only take some time, and getting used to, on my part."  
Deanna blinked at her, and Jess and Sam shared a look.  
"I'm sorry if I come off as cold, or skittish. I don't mean it, and I really wanted to meet you two, because you're Deanna's family, and if you're anything like her, I'm sure you're great people who I'd be happy to befriend." Castiel cursed her shaking voice.  
"Don't sweat it, Castiel. I'm flattered that you're even willing to try and push your limits. I'll tread lightly. Thanks for letting me know, so I don't say anything that'll make it worse." Sam said, his voice soft and calm. "Anyway, we should probably figure out what we want to eat, hmm?"  
-  
The rest of the night went smoothly.  
Castiel found Sam Winchester to be a kind, gentle, dependable person. With a good sense of humor. She could tell how much he looked up to Deanna, and how much Deanna cared about him.  
She liked that he was smart. He had read a lot of the same books Castiel had read.  
He could make jokes without being crude, or loud.  
Castiel really enjoyed him.  
Jess was really an interesting girl, too. She was a nurse at the local hospital, and she was a raging feminist with a passion for activism.  
Castiel had liked her the second she had spoken to her. She liked the way she interacted with Sam like she was in charge of him. Of course, it was in a joking manner. They were obviously equals in their relationship.  
They were in the diner for about two hours, eating and talking and laughing, and Castiel was proud of that she was able to let herself laugh in the presence of Sam Winchester.  
Maybe it helped that she had Deanna with her.  
When they had all finished their food, and Sam paid the bill, the four of them walked out to the parking lot.  
Castiel watched as Deanna hugged Sam and Jess. She was able to hug Jess, and shake Sam's hand again, and apologize for the rudeness and thank him for the food, and tell him she was glad they met.  
-  
Deanna was driving Cas home in the Impala.  
"Hey, thanks for coming tonight. I didn't know it would make you nervous, otherwise I never would've asked you to do that. I'm proud of you for staying though, and hanging out with Sam anyway. It seemed like you had fun." she said, with a soft smile.  
"I did have fun. I should have told you about my thing with...men, but it's sort of strange so I wasn't sure how to bring it up." Cas stuttered.  
"No problem, Cas."  
They pull into the parking lot of the apartment building.  
"Did you want to, uh, come inside and have some tea? I mean, unless you have somewhere to-"  
Deanna opened her car door.  
"C'mon dork."


	5. Trapped In A State Of Imaginary Grace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is fluff, comfort, and a bit more than cuddling, if ya know what I mean.

The next morning, Castiel woke up to armfuls of Deanna Winchester, and her soft scent.   
She smiled, and combed her fingers through the strings of gold that spread across her pillow.   
Deanna grumbled, and shrunk back into Castiel, away from the light of day.   
"Good morning, Deanna." Castiel said, a smile in her voice.   
"Morning, Cas." she sighed, heavily.   
"I was going to make coffee, would you like some?"   
There was a pause.   
"Yeah, but then you have to get up, and I'm comfortable just like this." she huffed.   
Castiel chuckled.   
"Well, we have to get up at some point. It's best to get it out of the way, don't you think?"   
Deanna grumbled, and flipped around so she was facing Cas, green eyes gleaming.   
"Who says we have to get up?" she said, softly.   
"I do." she pressed a gentle kiss into the other girl's lips. "Now c'mon."   
Castiel was able to coax the blonde goddess out of bed by giving Deanna her favorite black hoodie and a few dozen good morning kisses.   
She sat her at the kitchen counter, and started making a pot of coffee.   
When she turned back around, Deanna was gone.   
Castiel frowned and left in the kitchen in search of her.   
Deanna was on the living room floor, looking through her CD collection.   
"Looking for something?" Castiel asked with a sly tone.   
"We need some morning jams, Cas."   
"I can get behind that."   
They ended up with some old Nirvana album Castiel had owned for years.   
The coffee was ready, and was poured into two mugs and brought into the living room for the girls to enjoy.   
-  
They talked about the 90's and feminism and homophobia, for a solid forty minutes.   
Was it even possible to have views this similar to someone?   
Castiel knew she hadn't run into it before.   
It wasn't like they were the same person, they were different in a lot of respects, but she was happy to have found someone she could truly say she agreed with in all major aspects.   
She almost had that with Charlie, but Charlie really liked to ramble, it was sort of hard to actually sit down and just discuss issues with her. (Although she did give great advice when she was in the right mood.)   
After a while, though, Castiel realized that she probably should take a shower. She never felt comfortable sitting around in pajamas.   
That got her thinking about what it would be like to shower with Deanna, warm water running over her perfect, freckled body.   
Then, Castiel marveled at the fact that, while she and Deanna had slept in the same bed at least four times, they had yet to "do." anything.   
She glanced over at Deanna, who was now standing up and staring out the window, smoking a cigarette.   
How did she always move without Castiel noticing?   
It was like she swam through the air, swiftly and quietly.   
Now, Castiel may have not been the most stable woman at all times, but she did know one thing, she had courage, and she was forward about what she wanted, not that this wouldn't take a little adrenaline summoning.   
She watched Deanna inhale, the nicotine and pleasure moving past her lips into her body.   
It wasn't that she hadn't had thoughts about her. She always had thoughts about her.   
Maybe that's why she was apprehensive.   
She wanted Deanna badly, and she wanted it to be good. She wanted to mentally prepared enough that she wouldn't freak out.   
Castiel knew that as long as she was in control, she would be okay, but she was still nervous.   
So yes, asking what she was about to ask would take some courage.   
The smoke poured out through Deanna's lips like a waterfall.  
"Do you, um, wanna take a shower?" she said, her face heating up like a fire.   
Deanna blinked, and turned to Castiel, an odd expression on her face.   
"As in, together?"   
The brunette shifted from her spot on the couch.   
"If you would like..." she knew her face must be close to the color of a cherry.   
"Really? I mean, I would like that. If you...want that."   
Castiel didn't dare look at Deanna's face.   
"I asked you. I obviously want that." she was almost whispering now.   
Deanna crushed her cigarette into the ashtray, and moved towards Castiel, sitting next to her on the couch.   
"If you're sure you're comfortable, I'm totally up for that." she said, softly putting her hand on Castiel's leg.   
Then, she looked up at Deanna, and was taken aback by the adoring look on her face.   
She kissed her, with intent. With meaning. With a sort of freedom as she let herself melt into the other girl.   
"It can be difficult to...do things, in the shower. I was thinking as a shower as more along the lines of comfort, and then...intimate things...after."   
Deanna hummed in agreement and kissed her again.   
"Is is weird, that uh, I actually really really want to wash your hair." she whispered, elegantly, delightfully, softly.   
Castiel basically giggled.   
"Not at all."   
-  
Taking a shower with someone else was strange.   
Almost sickeningly sweet and tender.   
Just seeing Deanna in nothing but a bra and boxers nearly made her lungs explode.   
She couldn't help but run her hands over the soft, cream colored flesh around her stomach, and her thighs, and upper arms and neck.   
"You're perfect." she whispered. "Beautiful. Angelic. Marvelous."   
Deanna Winchester was like soft rock. Smooth to the touch, with a haunting, orgasmic melody, making you think, and rethink and rethink again. A riddle, a poem, a riot and a show. She was so many things, and Castiel worried that she might slip through her fingers if she didn't hold fast to this goddess of an enigma.   
She kissed her lips, and her neck, and her chest and her stomach.   
The blonde grabbed at her hair, making Castiel shiver, and grip her tightly.   
Deanna then let her hands travel down to slip off her sweatpants, and the brunette stepped out of them, somehow bringing her closer to the other girl.   
Somewhere along the way from the bathroom counter, to the tub, undergarment and breaths were lost, and the steam of the hot water brought them even closer.   
Castiel's hands slipped everywhere, all over the blonde goddesses beautiful golden body.   
She was electric, in a trance, in a high state of mind. Bursting at the seams with some hot, full emotion.   
Deanna's green eyes were faded in the steam, but they were dark, and glued to Castiel with every fluid movement.   
Then they were kissing, wet lips pressed against wet lips. Breathe hot and uneven in the heat of the water.   
Firm hands were clutching Castiel's head, and massaging her scalp.   
She had to pull away for air.   
Deanna squeezed shampoo into her hands and gently combed her fingers through Castiel's raven colored hair. She melted into her touch.   
Hands were lost in soap and heat. Second thoughts sucked down the drain.   
Finally, Castiel felt like she might pass out if she stayed in the hot water any longer, so they turned off the water and wrapped themselves in towels and warm, good feelings.   
Castiel dried the other girl off, with a certain tenderness. She patted her down, and applied lotion to her ivory, freckled skin.   
Deanna had this dreamy smile on her face, and she wanted to snatch that look right from her face and lock it safe in her mind.   
They somehow made their way from the bathroom to the bedroom, and Castiel laid her down on the sheets, her hair still damp.   
Suddenly, all Deanna could feel was the heat of the other girl, and fingers and tongue and skin.   
She was lost, in the best possible way.


	6. She's Making Sure She Is Not Dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some serious talk and a fluffy date

Afterglow.   
What a magical thing.   
When you're so blissed, and drunk on pleasure.   
Deanna loved afterglow.   
Sitting there, next to Castiel, one arm slung around her.   
She hadn't been this at peace, or this relaxed, in quite some time.   
She soaked in the warmth of the other girl, in her smell, and in her presence.   
But Castiel had seemed to be thinking about something far too hard, her eyes were wide and glossy, like something had shocked her, and her jaw was tense and set. She was completely still.   
"Cas?" she asked,softly, trying her best not to startle her. She jumped anyway, and blinked at Deanna.   
"Are you okay? You don't look so great." she said, smoothing over Castiel's hair. "If I did anything wrong..."   
Castiel opened her mouth, and closed it again quickly.   
"It's not anything you did. In fact, Deanna Winchester, that was probably the best sex I've ever...uh- ever had in my life."   
Deanna chuckled, and pulled the brunette closer to her.   
"Can you share what has you all shaken up then?"   
She sighed, and shifted a bit.   
"I haven't done anything like that in a while. I guess that's part of the reason why I waited so long to make a move. I mean, I wanted to, I really wanted to, but I was afraid I was going to freak out or something along those lines. I didn't want that to happen. This was important, Deanna, it was sort of a big step."   
Green eyes poured into her with concern and question.   
"Ca-"   
"I can't tell you why, exactly, this an important, terrifying, dangerous thing for me. I'm much too sober for that. Maybe someday I'll be able to. I'm sure you've guessed, it has to do with the whole 'I can't trust men' thing. What I can say though, is that I'm so glad I did this with you, and that you're very very important to me. I guess I'm a little off because everything sort of went too well. I was waiting for something to happen and for me to freak out and for you to get up and leave because trust me, you don't want to deal with panic attacks it-"   
"Cas!"   
Cas suddenly looked at her, blue eyes wide.   
Deanna smiled, green eyes sparkly, and put a hand on her cheek.   
"You're doing great. I understand. I'm proud of you, and I promise you, that I won't leave you."   
Castiel blushed, and put her arms around Deanna's neck, hiding her face and breathing in her scent.   
"Are you even real?" she whispered.   
"Last time I checked." she chuckled softly.   
They laid there for a few more minutes, basking in each other.   
"Let's get cleaned up, throw on some clothes, and get some greasy take out, shall we?"   
\-   
They ordered pizza, and sat on Castiel's kitchen counter.   
Deanna in her boxers and a hoodie, and Cas in sweatpants and a tank top.   
They giggled and smoked and played Cas' Bikini Kill albums.   
"So, I have a show this weekend."   
Deanna was now sitting at the table, rolling pipe tobacco into cigarettes.   
"Really?" Cas asked, blinking at her.   
"No." the blonde rolled her eyes. "Of course I do. And I want you to come, y'know. If you want."   
"Okay." the brunette said, distantly. "I'd like that."   
"Awesome." Deanna put her new cigarettes, one by one, into a mint tin.  
They sort of had a moment, where they just looked at each other.   
"You're too far away." she said, reaching out her arms and making grabbing motions with her fists. "Get over here."   
So, Castiel did, and she found herself being pulled down into the blonde's lap with a small thunk.   
Deanna nuzzled into her neck.   
"Thanks for the cigs, Cas."   
Castiel chuckled.   
"No problem. It's cheaper to roll your own. I don't mind sharing at all."   
"You smell wonderful. Like christmas morning, except, like lavender and incense."   
"You're a regular poet, Deanna" she laughed, and pecked her on the lips.  
Deanna looked at her again, that sunshiney smile in her eyes.   
"You're not wearing eyeliner." she said. "I've never seen you without eyeliner before."   
Cas blushed.   
"Well, when sex happens, makeup tends to get wiped off." she said, in a deadpan.   
"I think you mean, when great sex happens."   
Castiel laughed and got up to put away the cigarette rolling supplies.   
"We should do something today."   
"Like what?" Deanna asked, now across the room, tucking the cigarettes into her purse.   
"I'm not sure. We could go into town and go shopping?"   
"Well, that sounds good, but if I let you into a record store, will I ever get you out again?"   
"Probably not."   
\-   
They decided to shower together again, although this time, it didn't lead to anything sexual.   
Deanna sat on the bathroom counter and watched Castiel put on her eyeliner.   
"You're beautiful."   
Cas paused for a second, staring at the blonde through the bathroom mirror, her face was bright red, she scowled and went back to what she was doing.   
They were now both dressed, Cas in a blue and black lacy dress, and Deanna in an AC DC crop top, and little jean shorts.   
The brunette finished her makeup and they left the bathroom, collecting their purses and heading out.   
-  
Deanna and Castiel parked the Impala on the side of the street, downtown.   
They got out, and immediately, Cas grabbed the other girl's hand.   
They walked at a nice pace, not too fast or too slow, taking their time, feet moving at the same time.   
They looked in shop windows, and made up stories about people they saw walking by.   
There was a used book store at the corner of the next block, and Castiel was determined to search it for something good to read.   
"Cas, you act like this scary dark goth girl but you're secretly a nerd." Deanna chuckled.   
"You are more of a nerd, than I will ever be, Deanna Winchester."   
"Well, yeah, but at least I'm obvious about it." she said, with a wink.   
They entered the shop, and Castiel led Deanna around in circles, reading the backs of novels with a determined scowl on her face.   
The two girls left with "Interview With A Vampire" which, Castiel was disgusted to find that she didn't own, and some fluffy lesbian fiction that the brunette demand that Deanna read.   
Next, they stopped in a coffee shop and bought some over priced latte's, which, were arguably, very tasty, despite being brewed with fresh capitalism.   
They walked around for at least another hour, window shopping, and enjoying the feeling of being close to one and other.   
That was when, Cas saw the photo booth.   
"DEANNA." she said. flailing around like a one winged bird.   
"Oh my god, Cas. What are you? Twelve?"   
Cas slapped her lovingly, and forced her into the machine apparently made for junior high school students.   
Basically, they ended up making out and documenting it with classy old school photographs.   
Two copies came out of the little slot, on the outside of the machine.   
Deanna secretly really liked the pictures, and tucked her copy into the book she had bought.   
-  
Deanna and Castiel found themselves in Exclusive Company, the downtown record store.   
Castiel's eyes lit up when she saw all the different kinds of records and CDs, that were organized nicely and neatly.   
Deanna watched her float around, pawing through stacks and piles, blue eyes and wide and intrigued.   
The blonde looked around a bit, she already owned all the music she felt she must own, but she still liked to look at the AC DC and Led Zeppelin records, just the same.   
A few minutes later, Castiel found her, walking up to her like a dog who had retrieved a ball in a game of fetch, with Depeche Mode's "Exciter" and   
Hole's "Pretty On The Inside", which, she informed Deanna, was disgraceful of her not to already own.   
They went up to the front desk to check out, and something caught her eye. Gay pride pins, that would add rather nicely to her button collection which she wore on her leather jacket.   
She grabbed one, and set it on top of the two CD cases, on the counter.   
Castiel eyed her, smiled, and snatched another up from the plastic bin of buttons, setting it carefully next to Deanna's, and grabbing a hold of the blonde's hand.   
The cashier waggled her eyebrows at them.   
\-   
"Do you require sustenance?"   
"What does that mean, Cas?" Deanna said, absentmindedly.   
The two girls were now in the park, the blonde was engrossed the lesbian melodrama novel Cas had selected for her. It was actually pretty interesting.   
"Icecream. Over there."   
Deanna looked up, and sure enough, there was the ice cream truck, parked at the corner of the block.   
"So, you're not only a twelve year old, but also a toddler?"   
Castiel smiled sweetly, snatched the book from her hands, hit her with it, hard, in the head, and ran towards the ice cream truck.   
"Wait for me Cas! You didn't even grab your wallet!"   
-  
It was around three p.m., Deanna and Castiel had long finished their ice cream.   
They were now lying in the grass, Deanna's head on Castiel's stomach.   
The brunette was humming and running her fingers through Deanna's hair, and Deanna, was, yes, reading that stupid book she was now so wrapped up in.   
"This has been a very good day." Castiel said, quietly.   
The blonde put the book down, and sat up so that she was hovering over Castiel.   
"It has been, hasn't it?" she smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear, and leaning in to kiss the other girl.   
Soon, Deanna got tired of propping herself up, so she climbed over Castiel, and lied down next to her, nibbling at the other girls lower lip.   
Finally, they broke away, and Deanna hid her face in the crook of the brunette's neck.   
Cas stroked the other girl's head, and tried to shake the feeling she had that today was too perfect, and that something bad was about to happen.  
-  
Soon enough, they decided to walk back to the car, and they collected their things, stuffing books into purses.   
Castiel held Deanna's hand as they walked, letting the feeling ground her.


	7. You Won't, But You Might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A perfect night is ruined by some unrecognizable force from Castiel's past.

What was both saddening, and relieving, was the fact that Deanna's concerts were never too packed with people.  
Saddening, because, Deanna deserved more attention.  
Relieving, because, Castiel didn't like crowds.  
It was easier to be closer to her beloved this way, too. Get a better look at her swaying her hips to the beat, and crooning into the microphone with so much passion it was as if she were kissing someone's lips.  
The melodies they played were intoxicating as ever. Making even her, the awkward yet intimidating goth girl, move, just a bit.  
Castiel could listen to the blonde goddess sing forever.  
Her wavy hair, which, just like the last time she had been on the stage, was pulled back into pigtails, and was being moved by the wind.  
Castiel really loved the outside venue.  
It was a quiet sort of warm that night, with a relaxing cooling wind, not too strong, but enough to make you feel like living.  
The song ended, and Deanna caught Castiel's eye in the crowd.  
"Hey. For anybody who just got here, we're Righteous Riot, and this next song is for my lover, Miss Castiel Novak." Cas blinked in disbelief. "This isn't what we normally do, so bare with us if we suck."  
The crowd laughed, Castiel didn't laugh. She was dumb struck.  
"This is a cover of Leonard Cohen's Suzanne. I know, old school."  
The guitar made sweet, familiar, sounds.  
The base guitar matched it.  
The drums beat very quietly, giving the whole sound a nice effect.

_"Suzanne takes you down_   
_To her place near the river_   
_You can hear the boats go by,_   
_you can spend the night beside her_   
_And you know_   
_She's half crazy_   
_But that's why you wanna be there"_

Deanna's voice had turned into something else entirely. Something so very sickeningly sweet, it was like a lullaby, a prayer even.

_"And she feeds you tea and oranges_   
_That come all the way from China_   
_And just when you mean to tell her_   
_That you have no love to give her_   
_She gets you on her wavelength_   
_And she let's the river answer that you've always been her lover."_

Castiel realized, that she was crying. As pathetic as that may be, she didn't really mind.  
Nobody had ever sung to her, much less with such sincerity and adoration.  
She felt like her heart was exploding, it was all a little emotionally overwhelming.  
So, sue her, she was crying.  
-  
After the last song was over, Castiel went to find Deanna backstage.  
Now, there were more people, making it a little harder to get where she was going, but she was too happy to pay them any mind.  
She opened the door, and found Deanna, sitting on a couch, staring at the ground as if it had all the answers in the universe. Her face was hot, and flushed, and her eyes were glossy.  
"Hello." Castiel whispered. Knowing her voice was shaking, but for once, not caring.  
Deanna's head snapped up.  
"Uhh-Hey." she said, even stuttering a bit.  
The brunette took a few steps forward, so that she was standing only a few breaths away from the other girl.  
"You played an excellent show tonight." she said, still whispering, feeling it was more intimate. Not that anyone was in the room anyway. Ruby, Anna and Jo were mysteriously missing.  
"Thanks." she said.  
Then suddenly, Castiel was moving all at once, crashing their lips together, harshly, yet, sweetly.  
She was straddling Deanna's leg, kneeling, one leg on each side of the other girls.  
She wrapped her fingers in Deanna's glorious blonde locks, and melted into the kiss.  
Finally, she pulled back, only inches, so that she could still feel the blonde's breath on her lips.  
"You sang to me." she whispered. "It was beautiful. So amazing. You're amazing. Thank you."  
Deanna met her eyes, and they were back at it again, kissing as naturally as ocean waves, as if that's what they were made to do.  
Castiel wouldn't doubt, that it very well could be, it was what they were made to do.  
-  
There were other bands playing, and Castiel and Deanna decided to join the other girls and go back out and listen to them.  
They walked through the crowd, hand and hand, with a comfortable warmth, soothing and sedating them.  
"Hey guys." said Deanna, as they approached her band.  
"Hey Princess." said Jo. "and Mrs. Princess."  
"Jo, that doesn't even make sense." Anna pointed out.  
"You all did very well tonight." Castiel said, quietly.  
Nobody could ignore the absolute adoration and warmth in her voice, and they all looked at her, with odd expressions on their faces.  
"Thank you Castiel." Anna said with a smile.  
"The whole Suzanne thing was Deanna's idea." said Ruby. "None of us are as sappy as she is."  
Deanna blushed and tightened her grip on Castiel's hand.  
"Anyway, glad you liked the show, Castiel." Jo said, with a smile. "It was our pleasure, really. Any lady friend of Deanna's is a lady friend of _ours_."  
Anna giggled, and Ruby slapped her.  
"Jo, that's just disgusting."  
Another band started playing, and Castiel put her arm around Deanna's waist, she felt amazing.  
-  
Around midnight, the concert came to a close, and everybody started heading back their cars.  
Deanna and Castiel held hands, as they walked, and listened to Ruby, Anna and Jo, bicker good naturedly beside them.  
It was dark, but there was still light that lit up some parts of the venue, and Deanna could faintly make out someone approaching them.  
As they got closer to these strange silhouetted people, Deanna felt Castiel tense up, and then stop walking entirely.  
"Cas? Is something wro-"  
"Hello Cassie." Deanna could now see the two people in front of them clearly. They were two middle-aged men, one, shorter, with dark hair and a beard, and apparently a british accent, the other, a bit taller, and light haired.  
Deanna glanced at Castiel, and was shocked to see absolute terror fill her blue eyes, she could feel her breathing heavily, and hold onto the other girls hand like a death grip.  
The rest of the band had stopped walking too, and were standing a few feet away.  
The dark haired man looked Castiel up and down.  
"It's been quite a while." he said, with a sneer. "You haven't changed a bit."  
Cas was now shaking so hard, it made Deanna shake a bit.  
"Crowley." she said, her voice cracking. "You aren't real."  
"Oh, darling, no. I'm just as real as I was the last time we met."  
Suddenly, Cas took off, running the opposite direction, dropping Deanna's hand.  
"You girls are good. We liked the show." Crowley said with a sneer, before turning around and stalking off.  
Deanna couldn't hear Jo speaking to her.  
She went to go find Cas.


	8. When Your Baby Was Slain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings- Uh. Nothing really is described in this chapter, but Cas has a panic attack, which can definitely be a trigger.  
> If you know it's risky for you, don't push it. Be safe. Basically, Cas has a panic attack, Deanna takes her home and she wakes up and they talk for a few seconds. Not a lot of plot.  
> And before anybody yells at me for the description of the panic attack being unrealistic, these are things I've experienced myself. Maybe there's something extra wrong with me? Anyway, if you don't like it, fuck you. Not my issue.

_DARK_  
_DARK ISN'T GOOD_  
_ITS TOO DARK_  
_GET OUT OF THE DARK_  
_GET AWAY_  
_HE FOUND YOU_  
_GET OUT OF THE DARK_  
_DARK ISN'T GOOD_  
_HE'LL FOLLOW YOU_  
_GET OUT OF THE DARK_  
_YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SEE HIM COMING_  
_GET OUT OF THE DARK_  
-  
Castiel couldn't breathe.  
She couldn't feel her feet.  
Suddenly, everything was spinning, and she was on the ground.  
She tried to claw her way back to her feet but she couldn't move.  
-  
_GET OUT OF THE DARK_  
_YOU HAVE TO RUN_  
_HE'LL FOLLOW YOU_  
_YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE HIM COMING_  
-  
Castiel couldn't see anything.  
She ran away from the lights and now she was in a field, in the middle of the dark.  
She still couldn't breathe.  
Someone was calling her name.  
Something grabbed her.  
"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"  
Suddenly, there was light. Someone's phone.  
Deanna appeared.  
The noise that was coming from her lips was starting to form into words.  
"Cas, baby, it's alright. It's just me. I won't let him touch you."  
Finally, Cas could breathe, and move.  
She gasped for air and threw her arms around Deanna, hiding her face in the crook of the other girls neck.  
"Get me out of the dark. Get me away, Deanna please. Get me out of the dark. He'll find me here."  
She was shaking uncontrollably, and her limbs locked up on her once more.  
"Don't worry, Cas." she soothed, tracing circles on Castiel's back. "I've having the girls bring the car over here and we're gonna get you home. For now, just breathe, I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe. He's not here."  
"HE'LL FIND ME IN THE DARK! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! HE'LL FIND YOU TOO!"  
"Here, let's go over by this street light, ok?"  
They were near a road? How far away had Cas run? Where were they?  
"Shh, shh, shh. It's alright, Cas. You're safe."  
There was movement that sounded like a car pulling up, but Castiel didn't know. Her vision had left her again. She was gasping for breath.  
"Cas, baby, you have to breathe, otherwise it's gonna get worse."  
She tried her best to gain control again, but she knew things were still shaky.  
She felt herself being lifted from the ground.  
"I'm lifting you up so I can put you in the car. The girls are here. Ok?"  
Castiel couldn't nod.  
She could see a little now, but everything was over contrast and blurry.  
Now, she was in the warmth of a car, collected in Deanna's arms. She was crying. She couldn't stop. Deanna was rubbing her head. It felt good. Then there was nothing.  
-  
When Castiel opened her eyes again, she was in Deanna's bed.  
She wasn't in the clothes she had been wearing last night, and she was very warm and comfortable.  
She was numb all over, and she couldn't really move much.  
Deanna wasn't next to her, but she could hear faint music coming from somewhere in the house, and someone moving around.  
Her voice wouldn't work.  
After some time. she was finally able to move her arms, so she reached over, and sure enough, there was a glass of water there.  
"De-Deanna?" she called.  
There was some rustling, and then footsteps coming closer to the bedroom door.  
"Hey Cas." she said, a concerned look on her face. "You're awake."  
"I can't move my legs."  
"You went into a hysterical state last night, and you ran for like a mile into a field, so you're legs are probably just worn out. You were asleep for a long time, I was starting to worry a little."  
"I should be fine soon. I'm sorry." her voice still wasn't working properly.  
"Let's not worry about that just yet, okay? You're still not quite right."  
Deanna walked around to the unoccupied side of the bed, and pulled the covers back, climbing in next to Castiel and wrapping her arms around her.  
"Is this okay for you right now? Can I touch you?"  
"Yes. Please don't leave me alone right now." she burrowed farther into the heat of Deanna's body.  
"Alright." she combed her fingers through Castiel's hair. "If you need anything, or even if you need me to back off, let me know, okay?"  
"Okay. I think I'm going to fall back asleep soon. Stay with me?"  
"Always."


	9. The Seasons

"Hi Charlie."   
"Uh, hi? Who is this?" chirped a sweet voice.   
"It's Deanna. Cas' girlfriend? I don't know if you, uh, knew about what happened the other night."   
"Well, it's nice to uh, hear from you? No, I don't know what happened. Care to enlighten me?"   
"We were at my show, and everything was great, until we ran into this guy named Crowley and his buddy? She was super super terrified and she had like a panic attack but like, at epic proportions. She ran out into the middle of a field in the dark, and it took us a while to find her, but she was alright. She couldn't move, so I carried her to the car and she passed out cold. She slept for a long time, and woke up a little while ago and seemed fine, but then she passed out again after a few minutes. I just thought you'd maybe have some insight for me? And that you might like to know what happened, since you're close to her."   
"Oh god." she said. "I uh- thanks for calling me. Why the hell is Crowley in town?"   
There was a pause, and some ruffling papers.   
"There's not much I can tell you, y'know, that's Castiel's choice. She's had a really awful life, and been through some shit that I can't even imagine. Her past is pretty gruesome, and that leaves scars on a person. There's only so much that girl can take, even though she's unbelievably strong. I mean, she sometimes has episdoes where she has bad nightmares and panic attacks, but they only last a few weeks. It's been years since she's seen Crowley. I don't really know what's gonna happen."   
"Right." Deanna said, listening carefully to every word.   
"I would just stay near her, you know? Don't let her out of your sight. Keep her comfortable. Sleep in bed with her and wake her up if she has nightmares. I'm gonna call her brother, Gabriel. He's really good at keeping her calm when she gets bad and it'll be good to have his support. He can also help us figure out how the hell to get Crowley off her back, since he'll be looking for her I'm sure."   
"Okay. Should we go back to Castiel's house then? She's sleeping in my bed, but do you think it'd be better if she was there?"   
"You know, it's probably safer if she's over at your place, in case he tries to find out where she lives." Charlie sighed. "I can get some of her things and stuff and bring them over."   
"That would be good. Also, I have to work and stuff. Not right now, but tomorrow...do you think you could stay with her?"   
"Yeah. As long as you don't mind me hanging out at your place or anything."   
"Nah. No problem. I should probably go check on Cas. You wanna come over around like ten tomorrow morning?"   
"Sure. Sounds good."   
"Alright. I'll text you my address. Goodnight."   
"Goodnight Deanna, take care of her."   
"I will."   
\-   
Deanna went back into the bedroom, to find Cas, still laying down, staring at her with wide, curious but tired eyes.   
She couldn't help but smile.   
"Hey Cas."  
"Hello Deanna." she said, softly.   
Deanna plopped down next to her on the queen sized bed.   
"How are you feeling?"   
Cas sighed and looked up at the ceiling.   
"I've been trying to figure that out. I wouldn't say that I'm content, more numb. Sort of like my insides have been removed. Empty. That's the word I was looking for."   
Deanna frowned, and lied down next to her.   
"Also, I missed a day of my meds so now I'm probably going to get all fucked up."   
"I talked to Charlie a little while ago, she's gonna come over tomorrow and bring your meds and some clothes and stuff. Also, she's gonna call your brother. She said that would be the best thing to do, and she's known you longer than I have, so I've just been agreeing with everything. We're gonna have you stay here, until we know more about the whole Crowley thing."   
"Don't say his name. That makes this all seem more real. Just say "that guy" or "fuck-head" or something."   
"Okay, Cas. Whatever you need."   
They were now facing each other, and Deanna was stroking her cheek with her thumb.   
"You know, I was scared I wasn't going to be able to find you last night. And then, when I did, you were so terrified, Cas, I didn't know what was gonna happen to you. I didn't know if you would calm down, or if we'd have to take you to the hospital or what, but like, when you hugged me I sort of knew it was gonna be okay, cause at least you knew who I was."   
Castiel buried her face in the crook of Deanna's neck.   
"I'm sorry." she said, quietly. "I'm sorry you had to see me that way. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry. I just couldn't Deanna, I just couldn't. He's an awful, awful person and I don't know what he would've done if I hadn't ran. I haven't seen him in years and things were starting to get better and he's just not-"   
"Cas, baby," Cas looked up. "It's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. Everybody's gonna make sure you stay safe. And we don't have to talk about this yet. Not until you're a bit more stable. I think you're still out of it, and that's alright. We want to avoid another panic attack if possible. So, we can talk when you're ready, okay?"   
"Okay." said Cas, pathetically.   
Deanna sat up, and turned on the CD player on the nightstand, The Very Best Of Fleetwood Mac started playing.   
Then she reached into her bag and pulled out her box of cigarettes and a lighter.   
She held one out for Cas, who took it gratefully.   
"My god, I need this cigarette." groaned Deanna.   
She lit them both up and leaned against the head-board, inhaling.   
"You know Cas, even when you're fucked up, there still isn't anyone else I'd rather be with."   
She looked pointedly at the brunette, who blushed and scowled at her.   
"Shut up."   
"I'm serious. And last night? Before it all went to hell? Was really, really great, don't you think?"   
"Yes. I...I really liked it when you sang to me."   
Deanna chuckled.   
"You wanna hear me sing some more?"   
"Oh god." Cas whispered.   
Deanna changed the CD to track 5.   
"Rhiannon" started, and she turned it up entirely too loud.   
She started singing between drags, loudly, and dramatically.   
Cas burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter, and nearly burnt herself with the cigarette.   
-  
They sat around and smoked and talked for about half an hour, and it was nice, Cas actually felt a little decent.   
Eventually though, she realized she was in the same clothes she had been in last night, and that there was probably leftover mascara on her face and oh god she had been crying she probably looked disgusting and her hair was probably all bed-heady.   
"I need to shower." she said.   
"Probably a good idea. Do you want company?" Deanna offered.   
"Sure."   
As "Landslide" ended, Deanna held out the ashtray so they could both get rid of their cigarettes.


	10. Spend These Days With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Deanna have another sleepless night, and Charlie comes over.

 

 _It smelled like lavender, in the great dark mass of Crowley's apartment._  
 _Castiel was on the couch._  
 _She couldn't remember coming over to Crowley's place._  
 _She remembered going to work earlier that morning, and then...nothing._  
 _Just the quiet, menacing darkness of the apartment._  
 _Even in the dark, she knew exactly where she was._  
 _Where was Crowley?_  
 _She tried to sit up, but found she couldn't move._  
 _There was stirring in the other room, and then, footsteps._  
 _"Ah." said a voice. "You're awake."_  
 _The voice was undoubtedly Crowley, but he didn't move to turn on the lights, or do anything really._  
 _He just stood there. Staring into the darkness._  
 _"Oh, it's no problem, Cassie my dear, no problem at all." Crowley answered to no one._  
 _She hadn't said anything, had she?_  
 _Then she didn't see anything._  
 _He was suddenly on top of her._  
 _She couldn't move._  
 _She thought maybe she was screaming at him to stop but, she couldn't hear her own voice._  
 _Drugged. She had been drugged._  
 _Hands. Everywhere._  
 _It was cold. His hands were cold._  
 _"CAS!_ "  
-  
Castiel's eyes snapped open.  
She screamed, she felt too hot.  
She struggled to find her arms and legs and she tried to get up from the bed, when she saw emerald pools of golden warmth, right in front of her.  
She stopped trying to move, and focused on trying to breathe.  
Castiel had been whimpering and screaming a lot of things and her ears were ringing.  
Deanna was here, she knew that now, and her lips were moving but Castiel couldn't hear what she was saying.  
She was holding Castiel's hand, and she could make out the words _breathe_ and _please cas._  
After what seemed like hours, her ears stopped ringing and her breathing slowed a bit.  
"He was here. But he wasn't here, was he?" she said, pathetically.  
"No, Cas. You're safe. I promise."  
With that, Castiel flung herself into Deanna, burying her face into her neck, and sobbing, not being able to hold back the tears.  
-  
Deanna turned on all the lights.  
She set Cas up on the couch with a national geographic documentary and a cup of tea.  
She was used to this.  
Taking care of people.  
It was something she had always been good at.  
She put her arm around Cas, and soothed at her hair until she was breathing deeply again.  
Deanna thought back to the night of her concert, and that man's unnerving smile and dark eyes.  
She wasn't sure exactly what Cas had been through, but she knew enough, and it made her blood run cold and her body hum with rage.  
Nobody deserved to live with that sort of torture.  
Nobody deserved what had happened to her.  
She pulled Castiel closer to her, the worn out, hollow shell of the girl she knew when they were on dates or hanging out around the apartment or chatting or dancing.  
Deanna wanted to cry.  
Something good, had come into her life when she met Cas, something wonderful. Something that was beautiful and hilarious and that made her feel warm and alive.  
It was like, sex, or weed, or chair chalk or dancing while drunk.  
You didn't know what you were missing until you tried it, but, once you did, you never wanted to give it up.  
You wanted to wallow in the feeling and breathe it in for the rest of your days.  
That's what Cas was to her. How she made her feel.  
She continued to stroke the brunette's head, watching her peaceful face and wondering how long it would last, and how she could keep it that way.  
-  
The next morning, Charlie showed up at ten a.m., and she smiled at Deanna.  
"It's nice to finally meet you, I'm Charlie."  
Deanna smiled as politely as possible after a night kept up by Cas waking up from nightmares and then, worrying about her while she slept.  
"I've heard a lot about you. Cas is sleeping on the couch. I'll have to leave at like ten thirty. Thanks for doing this by the way."  
"It's not a problem at all, she's my best friend, I've done this for her before, and I'm sure I'll do it again. It's in the handbook." she grinned, and walked further into the apartment, setting her purse down on the kitchen counter.  
In the living room, a grumpy dark-haired someone stirred.  
"Deanna?" she said, groggily.  
"Morning, Cas. How ya feeling?" Deanna asked, sitting down next to Cas on the couch.  
"Tired. I heard the door open."  
"Charlie's here."  
Cas looked up over the side of the couch, and Charlie did a little wave.  
"Hey Casanova." she chirped. "The queen has arrived."  
That got her to smile a bit, and Deanna decided she definitely liked Charlie.  
-  
A little while later, Deanna had to go to work and she pressed a tender kiss to Castiel's lips, before mumbling a goodbye and heading out the door, damp shower hair flying behind her.  
Charlie put on Star Trek, and they ate Deanna's chips for a little while, before Charlie turned the volume on the T.V. down a bit.  
"So, Cas, how's it going, really? Nightmares bad?"  
Castiel chewed on her lip and wiped her face in exasperation.  
"Yes. I'm anxious all the time, and I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid. If Deanna wasn't there to wake me up I'm not sure what I would do. I don't quite know what to expect, is he going to come after me? Was he just passing through? I don't know. I don't like not knowing, Charlie and I don't know what to do."  
Cas was more pale and more thin than usual, there were big, dark circles under her eyes, and there was leftover eyeliner on her bloodshot eyes.  
"And worse yet, I hate making Deanna worry and suffer through this with me. I hate doing that to her. She's so good to me, and she doesn't deserve to carry my problems."  
Charlie sighed, and put a hand on Cas' knee.  
"Cas, if Deanna couldn't handle this, do you think she would stay? You don't need to worry about that. We're all happy to help you through this. Deanna, me, Gabriel, everybody. Don't worry about putting your problems on other people. You do the same for us when we need it, don't you?"  
Castiel looked at Charlie, her best friend, who had been there for her ever since highschool. Even before they knew each other well, she had said "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, I won't even say anything if you don't need me to, I'll just listen."  
She smiled weakly.  
"You're right." she said. "I just can't help feeling that way."  
"I know. And that's okay."  
"When is Gabriel going to be here?"  
"Thursday afternoon-ish? But how are we supposed to know how accurate that is?"  
Cas laughed a little.  
-  
Charlie had brought all Castiel's things over.  
Her meds, her clothes, her extra eyeliner, her laptop, and her bikini kill albums.  
The essentials of course.  
Charlie was on the phone with her girlfriend, Gilda. She was speaking in sweet, hushed tones and giggling quietly.  
It made Castiel feel warm.  
She turned on her laptop, and opened Itunes.  
It was time to get to work on that mixtape.  
It would give her something to take her mind off the bad shit, and also keep her happyish.  
Making mixtapes was something she had always been wonderful at.


	11. I Must Be Fine Because My Heart's Still Beating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get the full story about Castiel's past 
> 
> Warning- Descriptions of rape, panic attacks, and douche bags.

"Hey Charlie." Deanna said, coming into the apartment.  
"Hey." she said, getting up from the couch to collect her things.  
"Cas asleep?"  
"Yep. She's in your bed." Charlie winked.  
"You're a great friend." Deanna said, smiling at her. "Thanks for taking care of her."  
"Like I said before, that's my job, I don't mind a bit, and you're lucky I approve of you."  
The blonde chuckled a bit, and Charlie grabbed her purse and gave her a little wave before leaving.  
-  
Cas wasn't asleep.  
She was sitting up in bed, hugging her knees and staring at the floor.  
Her head snapped up when the bedroom door opened, Deanna sat down next to her.  
"I was thinking, what if he gets you too? He saw you. He must know who you are by now and I just got so scared all of a sudden. That would be worse then him getting me I couldn't live with myself if that happened because it would be my fault and-"  
Deanna kissed her hard, and threaded her fingers through Castiel's raven colored hair.  
"I'm okay. You're okay. Everybody is perfectly fine."  
Castiel pulled away from her and stared at the ceiling, and Deanna curled up next to her, chin on her shoulder.  
"It's my fault." Cas said. "I deserved it."  
 _"Cas."_  
"I did. I led an awful existence. I broke many people's hearts. I did hard drugs. I slept with far too many people. I was never sober. My parents threw me out and I lived with Charlie. I had no money, so I got into the business. People paid me for sex, Deanna."

  
Castiel didn't look at her. She wouldn't be able to keep going if she saw another broken look on that goddess's face.

  
"Crowley was sort of my pimp, I guess you could say. He knew everything, about everyone. He would set me up with people. People would pay me through him. Then one day he told me he was in love with me. He told me he wanted me to stop so we could be together. I rejected him, and well...he couldn't deal with that."

  
Deanna now had a hard grip on her hand, and her breathing was shaky.

  
"I got a new phone, I changed schools, I even moved in with somebody else. But he found me. Every single time. The first time, I remember going into work, and then waking up briefly at Crowley's and falling in and out of consciousness when he...He was never gentle. You would think if he was in love with me, he would at least pretend like he gave a shit about whether it hurt me. I don't remember how many times he did it. I was at his apartment for weeks at a time, and then I would wake up, and he'd be gone and I'd run away, and then he'd find me again a few days later. I have marks. I don't know if you've seen them. He burned me and cut me and kicked the shit out of me. I don't know if he always used protection but..."

  
She had to hold back a sob as her whole body shook.

  
"I get tested on a regular basis so you don't have to worry. He had friends, and sometimes he would invite them all over and they'd all fuck me until I bled. Then, one night after I escaped I decided to just end it all. I tried to kill myself, but Charlie hadn't heard from me in a while so she came over and she found me..."  
Deanna was crying a little, she could hear it, but it was far away, she couldn't stop the words that were flooding out of her mouth.  
"I was in the hospital for a week in the psych ward. They put me on pills and then Charlie decided we should move here. The pills don't always work. I guess for the most part they keep my mood stable but this, this is a whole new kind of nightmare. I hadn't heard from him since and I was starting to forget. To make a new, better life for myself with interesting and safe and healthy people and I met you and I had a reason to try. I had a reason to try and be stable and happy. You don't deserve this. You don't have to take all my baggage just because you had the misfortune to encounter me at a club. I'm poison and I'm breakable and I break other people. You don't have to stay. You can kick me out on my ass and keep your safe and happy life. You deserve it. You deserve all the good things in the world. I wish I could give them to you."

  
Castiel didn't realize she was crying until she rubbed her face.

  
Finally, she turned to Deanna.  
Her goddess was a mess, tears streaming down her cheeks, face red, eyes broken with sorrow.  
That wasn't just sympathy or pity. That was pain.  
That was Deanna hurting because Cas was hurting, because Cas had been hurting, for so many years.  
She wanted it to stop.  
But Deanna spoke before she could even conjure another thought.  
It was one word.  
 _"Cas!_ " in an ocean of sobs and shaky breathes she threw her arms around Castiel's neck and cried into her shoulder.  
Cas let her tears pour out of her, and they cried for a long time.  
Finally, Deanna cupped her face in two hands and looked her in the eye.

  
"Cas. It is _not_ your fault." she said. "I know it probably doesn't do anything for you right now, but it isn't your fault. It's never the victims fault. Ever. And I would never leave you for something like this, Cas. It just makes me see how strong you really are, and it kills me, to really understand how much pain you've gone through and I just wish I could kiss it all away. But I can't. Cas. This isn't how I wanted to tell you, but, I love you. Maybe you don't believe me. But I love you, so much. You are so important to me. I want you always. It doesn't matter what kind of baggage you have. I wouldn't care if you killed somebody. Cas. _Jesus_. It's not your fault."

  
They were both crying again now.

  
"I can't say it back. I don't know how. But I...that, you...Thank you."

  
They gripped each other so tight, that Deanna thought there may be bruises on her shoulders the next day.  
-  
Deanna's eyes opened again at ten the next morning.  
Castiel was staring at her, with big blue eyes and glorious, wild bed head.  
"Morning" she said, quietly.  
"Good morning." Castiel said, a tired smile flowing across her features.  
"Nightmares?"  
"Nothing too bad." she sighed. "I woke up a few times, but if I was in a hysterical state I would've screamed and you would've known."  
Deanna sighed too, and reached up to pull Cas back down next to her.  
She lost herself in those ocean blue eyes for a few seconds.  
"You're beautiful, you know that?"  
Castiel blinked, and then smiled, still tired, but brighter.  
"I think it's been mentioned before."  
Deanna loved mornings like this, when they could just lay together for a while and bathe in the company of each other. She did have to work later in the day though, and she wanted to spend as much time with Cas as possible before she left.  
So they got up, took a shower, and went into the kitchen to find something to eat.  
-  
Cas sat on the counter, her black sock clad feet swinging, as she watched Deanna make eggs.  
"So," she said. "Tell me about your brother."  
Castiel huffed a little laugh.  
"His name is Gabriel. He's my older brother and the only one of my siblings who talks to me. He's quite irritating, and he likes to play practical jokes on people and basically make everyone miserable with his awful sense of humor. He's really great. I think you'll like him, even if not at first. It can take a while to get used to him. Oh! By the way, I made you something last night."  
Deanna put the eggs on a plate as Castiel swung off the counter and strode out of the kitchen, quickly coming back with a C.D. case.  
"Here." she said, presenting it to Deanna with a soft blush on her cheeks.  
Deanna grinned and took it from her.

_From Cas_   
_To Deanna_   
_And All Of Her Shimmering Beats_

"Thanks Cas." she said. "I can play this on the way to work."  
"I must warn you, everyone in high school demanded I make them mix CD's. It's something I can say I'm an expert at."  
Deanna chuckled, and kissed Castiel tenderly on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to playlist- http://8tracks.com/chloeisabelladelrey/to-deanna-and-all-of-her-shimmering-beats


	12. You're So Cut And Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update after all this time! Unfortunately, not a happy one. Thanks to those who still check up on this story!

Castiel knew it probably wasn't a good sign, the way she already trusted Deanna Winchester with her heart and soul.  
What scared her, was how normal and safe everything felt, and in her experience, normal and safe were never things that lasted.  
Why was that a problem, then? One might ask. If she was already used to that, once more time around being hurt and abandoned shouldn't matter.  
The thing was, it would matter, because she had latched on tight to Deanna, the way one might to a morsel of kindness and hope in the darkest depths of an oubliette.  
She did ask herself, almost religiously if maybe she only felt the way she did about the other girl because she was a source of safety, but soon after, she realized that she had begun to fall for Deanna on a high note, before things had gotten bad again, and quickly hid the thought away.  
In Deanna, she found stability.  
It was different from the stability she got from her best friend Charlie Bradbury, because Charlie had been there before Crowley, through Crowley, and after Crowley, and had proven that she wouldn't be going anywhere through sheer factual knowledge.

  
No, Deanna just radiated warmth and stability and kindness, it was in her blood, it was in the way she smelled and the way she combed her fingers through her long, golden locks when she was thinking, it was something that was out of her control, and out of her conscious mind.  
Deanna sung for her, she danced for her, she shared her body and soul with her, honestly and fully, like she didn't even know she was doing it.  
It had been no longer than four months, but somehow, it felt much longer.  
It felt like her body had been next to Deanna's for centuries.

  
Still, what she felt for the golden haired woman did not fill the gaping hole in her soul.  
Neither did cigarettes, or good music, or sex, or alcohol, or even medication and counseling, and now that Crowley was back, the hole only was torn at until it was larger.  
She could still feel herself running cold, as terror overtook her body upon gazing into his dark, merciless eyes.  
The hours passed in an empty, cold blur, with flashes of Charlie's face, and gentle touches of Deanna's soft, guitar-worn hands.

  
Then, she was back again.

* * *

 

.

..

...

....

 

_Fingers clawing at her, freezing and yet scorching._

  
_Unbearable pain in places she never knew she could hurt._

  
_Faded, quiet laughter._

  
_"Cassie, take it, I know how much you want it. Yes. Bleed for me. Just like that."_

  
_But Castiel didn't want it._

  
_She wasn't bleeding for him, she was bleeding because of him._

  
_The cruel, metal of a pocket knife dragging across her stomach._

  
_"Cassie."_

  
_"Cassie wake up."_

  
_"If you don't stay awake this time, I'm going to have to lock you up again."_

  
_"Cassie, come now, say you love me."_

  
_Blackness._

  
_Eyes glued shut with blood and semen._

  
_Terror._

  
_Finally, breath._

  
.

  
..

  
...

  
....

 

* * *

 

"Cas?"

  
Castiel opened her eyes to find a white, familiar ceiling above her.

  
She sat up too quickly, sending the room around her spinning.

  
"Castiel, hey, look over here."

  
Castiel's eyes found her elder brother, Gabriel, sitting in a kitchen chair that had been pulled next to the couch.  
"Gabe." she said, already swaying with dizziness in her slightly upright position.  
"Hey Kid, steady there." he lifted his hand so that it was a few inches away from his sister's shoulder, but he dare not touch her.

  
"Where am I?"

  
"Deanna's apartment, in the living room."

  
"I need to get out of here." Castiel panicked, moving to stand. "He won't be gone very long."

  
"Castiel." he said, shifting so that she was forced to look him the eye. "You're not going anywhere. You're safe. You're at Deanna's. You're delirious, probably because you haven't eaten in five days. Take a deep breath."

  
She did, shakily, and trying not to convulse into sobs.

  
"I'm going to call Deanna, and let her know that you're awake. Then, I'm going to go into the kitchen, get you some water, which you will drink, and then we'll see where we are, okay?"

  
Castiel nodded, and Gabriel stood up to pace around, the way he always did when he was on the phone.

  
"Deanna? Yeah. We're alright. She just woke up. Yeah. I am. Here."

  
He came back around to the couch and held out the phone for her to take.

  
"She wants to talk to you."  
Castiel nodded and took the cellphone up in her shaky hands, pressing it against her ear.

  
"Hello?" she whispered.

  
"Cas, baby, it's so good to hear your voice again, fuck, you really scared me."

  
"Where are you?" her voice broke as she shivered.

  
"In the car. I was working. I'm on my way home."

  
Gabriel came back into the living room and set a glass of water on the coffee table, and looked at Castiel with concern.

  
"I need you, Deanna."

  
"I know, baby, I know. I'm almost home."

  
She pressed the red button and ended the call, handing the phone back to her brother, before regarding him, blue eyes wide and glassy.

  
"I wish I was dead."


	13. Two Thousand Miles Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The good things never really last, sometimes you have to walk away from them, before they have the chance to walk away from you

Castiel remembered curling into Deanna's side as Gabriel screamed.  
"No! You don't get to say that after everything you've been through, after all that you've survived, after everything we did to make you better, after you were finally doing well again!"  
She remembered tears.  
She remembered Deanna heating up with anger, and her lips moving as she told Gabriel he needed to leave.  
A door slamming.  
Deanna's soft, silky voice humming "Suzanne."  
Digging her nails into her own forearm in an attempt to stop the pain.  
Then, blackness again.

* * *

  
....  
...  
..  
.  
_"Cassie."_  
_Wandering hands._  
_"Cassie."_  
_Live through this with me and I swear that I will die for you_  
_"Cassie."_  
_Courtney Love, Hole, Live Through this._  
_"Cassie."_  
_Hole._  
_"Cassie."_  
_Live through this._  
_"Cassie."_  
_Deanna Winchester is soft rock._  
_"Cassie."_  
_Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night_  
_"Cassie."_  
_Deanna Winchester is_  
_"Cassie"_  
_Living through this_  
.  
..  
...  
....

* * *

  
When Castiel awoke again she heard the steady beep of a heart monitor.  
"Yeah, I don't know Sam." she heard Deanna say in the distance. "Well, I think it might have to do with the fact that she hadn't eaten in five days and the way her brother was screaming at her!"  
Finally, her eyes focused.  
White walls, an I.V. plugged in to her arm, the soft sounds of a T.V., the plasticy cover on the bed.  
The hospital.  
She propped herself upright, searching for the sound of Deanna's voice again.  
"Yes Sam! I am getting sucked into it! That's the fucking point!" There it was again.  
She slowly sat up, remembering the last time she had done so too recklessly.  
"Deanna?" she tried, but her voice was weak from lack of use.  
Somehow, she heard it anyway.  
The emerald eyed goddess poked her head around the door frame, blonde hair falling over her shoulder, cell phone still pressed against her ear. Her face lit up at the sight of Castiel, and she smiled.  
"I have to go." she said, quickly, and pressed a button before sliding the phone into her pocket.  
Deanna made her way over to the bed, and sat down on the edge, automatically grabbing Castiel's hand.  
"Cas, hey." she said, quietly, even though they were the only people in the room.  
She gave the other girl a weak smile, and tugged at her hair. She probably looked disgusting.  
"Water?" Deanna asked.  
Castiel nodded.  
She rushed over to the sink, grabbed a paper cup, filled it with water, and handed it back to her.  
She emptied the cup, feeling the cool rush of the water quench her thirst, and assist her throat in letting her speak once more.  
"What happened?" she asked.  
"You passed out from lack of fluids and food and shit, the doctor said it also had something to do with shock. You've been here for three days now." Deanna said, grabbing her hand once more. "They had to feed you through a tube. You scared the hell out of me."  
"I'm sorry, Deanna." Castiel said, squeezing her hand.  
"It's not your fault, Cas." she said, with a sigh.  
"You were fighting with your brother. Because of me."  
"It wasn't because of you. It's because Sam worries about me, for worrying about you, and I'm tired of him trying to control my life and trying to make me talk about shit with him. It's really not his problem."  
Cas sighed, and nodded.  
There was a silence for a few beats.  
"Where's Gabriel?" she finally asked.  
"He actually just left. He hadn't gone home since you were brought in, and I convinced him to go home finally. He feels responsible, and although he was being kind of a dick, it's only because he cares about you. And you were right, I do like him. We've been talking a lot these past few days." Deanna said, meeting Castiel's eyes with warmth, relief, and concern.  
"What about Charlie?"  
"She and Gilda have been here a bit too. She was super pissed at Gabriel at first, she practically killed him."  
"I see." Castiel said, averting her eyes to the ground.  
"Cas, baby-"  
"You should probably let the doctor know I'm awake."  
-  
That night, after her vitals were check again, and a little bit of paperwork, Castiel was released from the hospital.  
It all happened very quickly, and then suddenly, she was back on Deanna's couch, with Gabriel and Charlie next to her.  
"Castiel, I'm so sorry."

"You had us worried sick, asshole."

"Is there anything we can do to help you out?"

"I really think you should start seeing somebody again."

"Deanna hasn't been sleeping, you really really scared her."

She heard them, but she didn't really listen.

"He's still in town, isn't he?" was all she said.  
Then, they were both silent.  
"You really shouldn't be worrying about that right now, kid. We're gonna keep you safe." her brother said.  
"Besides, the police are involved now, he can't get anywhere near you." Charlie said, confirming her suspicions.  
She sighed.  
"You really don't understand this at all, do you?"  
She didn't want to speak to them anymore, so she got up from the couch and found her cigarettes.  
"You know that won't help anything." Gabriel snarked.  
"Shut up, Gabriel." she said, and inhaled nicotine, and exhaled the sound of Crowley's voice.  
She grabbed her pack of Camel Lights, a kitchen lighter, and went into Deanna's room, slamming the door behind her.

 

 

* * *

  
Castiel didn't talk to anyone until Deanna got home from work, and slid through her bedroom door.  
"Hey Baby." she said, sitting down next to her on the bed.  
The Cure was blasting through the speakers of Deanna's stereo.  
"Make me forget." she whispered.  
"Are you seriously asking me to have sex with you right now?"  
"I don't know." Castiel said, curling in on herself and hugging her arms around her chest.  
She looked at Deanna, with her gorgeous green eyes and beautiful golden hair and soft, curves and freckled pale skin. She imagined caressing her mind, her wit and her humor and her talents and flaws. She wanted to treasure all of it forever.  
"Hey, Cas? Where'd you go? Come back."  
Castiel smiled sadly.  
"I'm here." she said.  
"Lovesong" played a little quieter now, as Deanna moved to turn it down.  
She curled up next to the dark haired girl.  
"What can I do?" she said, her voice breaking. "I love you, Castiel. I love you so much, and it kills me to see you so broken."  
"Make me forget." she whispered, again. "Take away all of it's power until it's nothing more then something that happened to someone a long time ago."  
"I wish I could, baby, you know I would do anything."  
Castiel sat up.  
"But you can, Deanna. You can."  
"That's a really bad idea. You'll regret it tomorrow."  
"I don't care!" she yelled, finally the frustration and hurt and fear had made it's way to the surface. "I need to be closer to you, this just isn't enough! I'm so fucking scared, Deanna. When you're not around I'm alone, and when I'm alone it just comes back, if I can't be close to you then it's just going to come back again."  
Deanna looked at her, pain and worry filling her perfect, porecleain features, and Castiel looked back at her.  
"I can't take advantage of you that way, Cas." she said, softly.  
The tears that were welling up in Castiel's eyes finally started to fall.  
"You're my partner, Deanna Winchester. If there was one thing, just one thing, that only you could do for me, it would be this." she sobbed.  
"Jesus, it's not as if I don't want you. I've just been in that position before, and it really won't seem like it was such a good idea a few hours from now. It could make it worse for you, and I can't risk that." Deanna reached out to touch her shoulder.  
"NO!" Castiel shouted, shooting up from the bed. "YOU DON'T GET TO TOUCH ME!"  
Her forest green eyes grew wide with shock.  
"Cas-"  
But Castiel was far away, she was collecting her things and shoving them into her messenger bag.  
She yanked her CD's up from next to Deanna's CD player, and grabbed The Cure out of the tray and put it in with the rest of her collection.  
"Cas, what the hell are you doing?!"  
"I'm leaving."  
She left the bedroom and rushed out into the kitchen, blessing the fact that Gabriel and Charlie had left.  
She grabbed her meds from the cabinet, and her cigarettes and lighter from the kitchen counter, as Deanna ran out after her.  
"Cas, are you breaking up with me?!"  
"I need to get the hell out of here, Deanna!"  
"Well, let me drive you someplace, if you want to g-"  
"I don't think I can look at you right now. Goodbye."  
She slammed the front door of the apartment so hard, that all the walls shook.


	14. Still The Same Old Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings are never really happy. People can tell you all sorts of things about happily ever after, but none of that shit actually happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of my very first fem-destiel fic is upon us, god, this is surreal. I didn't really think I'd ever get to finish this story. I guess the inspiration just sort of hit me in the face, and I knew I had to finish writing it. I'd like to thank everyone who has stayed with "Shimmering Beats" and who has been patient with me. I've been through some tough shit this year, and I haven't had a whole lot of time for fanfiction. I think of this story as proof that bad experiences can lead to really great art, and even if this story doesn't have a happy ending, keep in mind that this fic is part of a series. I'll see you all very soon!  
> Love,  
> Chloe

Deanna woke up to a pounding on the door.  
She groaned, and dragged herself to the door in nothing but a hoodie Castiel had left behind, and boxers.  
Whoever had woken her up could deal with her lack of proper clothing.  
On her doorstep, stood her elder brother Sam, and her best friend Jo.  
"What the hell do you want?" she snapped.  
Ignoring her question, they both pushed past her into the apartment.  
"Deanna, when was the last time you ate something?" Jo said, narrowing her eyes and putting her hands on her hips as Sam shut the door.  
She seriously couldn't remember, so she didn't say anything.  
"When was the last time you put something on other than that hoodie, or at least washed the damn thing?"  
Okay, so she knew the answer to that one. She hadn't worn anything else since Cas had left.  
"And how long have you been listening to Is This Desire By PJ Harvey over and over again?"  
Also since Cas left.  
"That's what I thought." Joanna Harvelle the physic said. "What do we want? We want you to shower and eat at the very least, and we would also like to talk to you, and stop you from slowly killing yourself."  
Sam was giving her puppy dog eyes.  
"You guys are gonna make me talk about my feelings, aren't you?" she said, pouting.  
"You bet!" said Sam.  
Fuck you, Sam.  
Jo dragged her into her bedroom.  
She opened her dresser and took out a t-shirt and jeans and threw them at Deanna.  
She paused PJ Harvey.  
Then she started tugging at Castiel's hoodie.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Taking this off of you so I can wash it."  
"If you wash it, it won't smell like her anymore."  
Deanna held it around herself in a death grip, doing her best not to cry.  
"Jesus, Deanna..." Jo said.  
It was too late.  
She was sobbing her eyes out.  
Fuck.  
Sam rushed into her bedroom, his floppy hair moving side to side, and his ginator limbs moving at full speed.  
"Jo! You made her cry!"  
"I didn't mean to!"  
Sam wrapped his much too long arms around his sister and held her there, letting her cry until there were no tears left in her body, meanwhile, Jo went back out into the kitchen.  
She stayed wrapped in her brother's arms for an embarrassing length of time.  
"Thanks Sammy." she mumbled shakily into his shoulder.  
"No problem, Dee." he said, gently.  
Eventually, he let her pull away from him.  
"You really should take a shower though, you smell awful."  
"Shut up, Bitch." she laughed.  
"Wash yourself, Jerk."

* * *

  
Deanna did eventually take Sam and Jo's advice and get in the shower.  
She was sure to hide Castiel's hoodie under her pillow, just in case.  
The shower actually made her feel considerable better.  
She even brushed her teeth and ran a comb through her hair, and put on deodorant.  
How productive was she?  
Super fucking productive.  
When she got out, her whole apartment was spotless, and Sam and Jo were sitting on the couch watching bad reality T.V.  
She smelled grilled cheese.  
"Holy shit, you guys. You really didn't have to." she said, a smile stretching across her mouth.  
"Uh, yeah, Deanna. We kinda did." Jo said, chuckling. "There's a sandwich and a soda for you on the counter."  
"You guys are awesome."  
"We know." said Sam.  
They were watching motherfucking Keeping Up With The Kardasians.

* * *

  
After Castiel had left, Deanna had immediately called Gabriel.  
He had been letting her know that Cas was safe every now and again, since.  
That didn't stop here from worrying, though.  
It had been three weeks since Castiel had left, and three days since Sam and Jo had come over and cleaned her house and given her a pep talk.  
Now, instead of listening to PJ Harvey, she was listening to Castiel's mixtape, and instead of wearing Castiel's hoodie, she slept with it like a security blanket.  
So, no, she wasn't really doing any better.  
She lay awake at night, panicking about where Castiel was and if she was safe and if she was crying.  
She felt so fucking cold and empty in that giant bed all on her own.  
So, she didn't sleep, and went she went to work, she had to stop into Pam's to get herself a giant mug of coffee just to get herself through the day.  
It had become a routine of hers.  
She walked in, got a double shot espresso, ignored Pam's worried looks, and sat in the booth that her and Castiel had sat in when they first met.  
Only, that morning, Castiel Novak had already beat her to that booth.  
She was going to run far away, and pretend she had never seen her.  
Maybe she was imagining it.  
It was too late.  
Suddenly, wide, blue eyes with dark circles around them were regarding her.  
"Deanna?"

* * *

  
That morning, Castiel woke up naked in Meg Master's bed, raw and empty.  
Meg was Castiel's sort of friend, sort of fuck buddy.  
They had tried to date once, but it didn't last.  
Since she left Deanna, she had been hiding out at Meg's house, trying to drown out the pain with meaningless sex, booze, cigarettes and weed.  
It wasn't really working.  
Eventually, she grew tired of laying around, and she got up and lit a cigarette, walking around and throwing on whatever clothes she found.  
She covered the scars on her wrists with a sweater.  
She was getting bad again.  
Not that anyone cared.  
Meg was out doing heroin with her friend Lilith, so she wouldn't be around for another five hours or so, and Castiel was in need of a change of scenery, so she grabbed her messenger bag and headed downtown.  
On the way, she tried to call Deanna's cell again, but to no avail.  
She had really fucked shit up.  
She wandered down the street, searching for something to distract herself with, something to waste her time.  
Eventually, she came upon Pam's, the coffee house that she remembering meeting Deanna at the night they had met.  
She went inside.  
She ordered a vanilla latte, not an odd look from Pamela Barnes, but she got that as well.  
Castiel sat in the booth that she and Deanna had occupied their first night together.  
She pulled out her notebook and started rambling in it about nothing.  
She really needed to get writing her next book if she ever wanted to have a proper sum of money ever again.  
Only a few minutes later, a familiar gasp interrupted her thoughts, and she looked up.  
There stood Deanna Winchester, an identical coffee cup in hand, and a terrified expression on her face.  
Her hair was wet, and her green eyes were wide. Her fair skin was paler than usual.  
She looked as though she hadn't slept in weeks.  
All of the air left Castiel's lungs at once.  
"Deanna?" she asked.  
That only spooked the blonde more.  
"I-I have to go." she said, her voice still velvet and silk like it had always been.  
Then, as soon as she had appeared, she was gone again, and Castiel was left wondering if she had ever really been there.

* * *

  
Sunday was Deanna's day off, so she was not very happy when at nine a.m., there was a loud knock on her front door.  
What was with people and waking her up early lately?  
When she opened the door, she blinked in disbelief.  
There was Castiel Novak, for the second time in two days.  
She was in a light blue dress and a white cardigan with no makeup. The outfit made her eyes stand out even more than eyeliner typically did.  
She was pale, somehow, even though her skin was typically glowing and healthy and sun-kissed and golden, but she had to be real this time.  
She had to be real.  
Unless she was dreaming.  
Castiel's mixtape was playing softly in the background.  
Fuck.  
Well, too late.  
"Hello." Castiel said.  
She spoke, and her voice was still that resonating alto, smooth sound that made Deanna shiver.  
"Hi." she squeaked back eloquently.  
"I tried to call in advance, but..."  
"Yeah, I uh- sort of threw my phone at a wall so I had to get a new one." Deanna said, regretting it the second the words spilled out of her mouth.  
"Oh. Well I suppose that explains why you haven't been answering my calls, although...never mind. I just...I owe you an apology."  
Deanna frowned.  
That wasn't what she was expecting to hear, but then again, what was she expecting to hear?  
"You do?"  
Castiel blinked at her, ocean eyes wide and glossy.  
"Well, Deanna, you were doing everything you could for me, even protecting me when I was treating you like garbage, and I alienated you, yelled at you, went on a rampage and left you for no good reason, so yes, I believe I owe you an apology."  
"No, Cas. You never treated me like garbage. You were well within your rights, you were scared and I understand why you said and did everything that you did. I owe you an apology. I should've just-"  
"No Deanna. No you shouldn't have, because when I woke up the next morning and felt like someone had eaten my insides, I would've blamed you for it. You did exactly what you were supposed to do and I made you suffer for it, and I'm so sorry."  
They looked at each other for a few blissful silent seconds.  
Deanna wasn't sure if she should accept the apology, so she just asked what she really wanted to know.  
"How are you? Are you safe, wherever you're staying?"  
Castiel scoffed.  
"I'm great, Deanna. Just wonderful. My new roommate goes out and does heroin everyday and I have no money to pay for counseling or medication and I have no idea where Crowley is. I just got a job at some shitty fast food place outside of town just to support myself because I have no where else to go. Charlie isn't talking to me, and Gabriel finally went back to Texas to be with his boyfriend because I was such a bitch to him."  
Deanna looked at her for a long time, in a way that she couldn't read, then suddenly she grabbed Castiel's arm and held it steady in front of her.  
She couldn't pull it away.  
Deanna pushed her cardigan sleeve up.  
"Goddamit, Cas." she whispered.  
Castiel yanked her arm back.  
"Anyway, I really didn't come here to make you feel sorry for me. I just wanted closure. You weren't supposed to see that. So I'll be leaving now."  
Deanna grabbed her arm again, and looked her in the eye.  
"You're not going anywhere, Castiel Novak, and if you do, I will call your brother and he will get right back on that plane and put your ass in the psych ward. You know he will. You're going to quit your shitty job, and you're going to come live with me. We are going to get our shit figured out, you're going to get help, and I'm going to keep you from hurting yourself at the very least. Is that clear?"  
"Like hell I'm putting you through that." Castiel winced, Deanna's grip on her arm was starting to get painful.  
"You're not putting me through anything. You're staying here unless you want to go back to the hospital. Whether we're together or not, I give a hell of a lot of shits about you and I'm letting you do anything stupid, do you understand me?"  
Castiel glared at her.  
"Good. Now come inside."

* * *

  
"What the fuck Deanna?" Jo demanded.  
Deanna was at band rehearsal, and she had just finished telling the girls about her decision to make Castiel stay with her.  
"It's not like I was gonna let her leave after hearing everything she told me and seeing those cuts on her arm, Jo. What was I supposed to do?" she said.  
Ruby scoffed in the distance.  
"Hmm. I don't know. Call her brother and let him handle it instead of taking all of that on after everything that happened between you two?" Jo snapped.  
"Deanna, you shouldn't have to babysit her." Anna supplied. " I understand that you really care about her, but she's unstable, not to mention not exactly on the best terms for you, is that supposed to be healthy for you?"  
"Who gives a shit? Cas needs somebody right now, and I'm happy to be that person." Deanna snapped.  
"No, guys, let her do what she wants." Ruby said. "She's a big girl, but when she comes crawling back begging for help, we can say we told her so, and it'll be more fun."  
"Ruby, you're a bitch." Jo added.  
"Thanks."

* * *

  
When Deanna got home from work that night, Castiel was passed out half on the couch, half on the floor, with the T.V. on.  
She decided that it could be her turn on the couch that night, and she picked Castiel up and carried her to the bedroom.  
She was even more thin and fragile than she had been when they were together, and Deanna wasn't sure how that was possible.  
When she layed Cas down on the bed, and moved to walk away, the smaller girl grabbed her sleeve.  
"Deanna? Where are you?" she whispered.  
Deanna sat down on the bed next to her.  
"I'm right here, Cas." she said, gently.  
"No you're not." Castiel said, sorrow in her voice, and blue eyes flickering open. "I drove you away. I hurt you. I sucked the life out of you until there was nothing left."  
"Hey," she said, combing her fingers through her raven hair. "No you didn't. I promise you. I'm here, Cas, and maybe you did hurt me, but you didn't mean to, and I forgive you."  
"I don't deserve your kindness, your charity, your friendship, and much less your touch." Castiel said, brokenly, and moved Deanna's hand away from her hair.  
The blonde smiled sadly, and scooted closer to her, forcing Castiel to look her in the eye.  
"Castiel Novak, you deserve the world, and everything I give you. I love you more than anything, and I won't let you forget that."  
She gazed at Deanna with longing, and admiration and sorrow.  
"No you don't."  
"Do you want me to prove it?"  
She didn't give Castiel any time to respond.  
Deanna kissed her, hard and with vigorous passion that was almost intoxicating, and she kissed back, desperately, as if the touch of their lips was her only lifeline, and maybe it was.  
Castiel let her fingers get lost in her long golden locks.  
They were so close together now, slotted together like puzzle pieces, like plants that had grown together to form something bigger and brighter and stronger than either of them could ever be alone.  
She ripped Deanna's shirt over her head.  
"I love you too." she said, breathless, and watched as her lover melted into some animalistic creature and kissed her harshly, so fast and rough that their teeth banged together.  
She brought Castiel's hands up to her breasts, and rocked into her touch, eventually reaching behind her back to unclasp her bra.  
She moaned with desperation and relief when they made bare-fleshed contact, and Castiel began to kiss and suck at her neck, letting the sounds flow freely, and without interruption from Deanna's lips.  
"Fuck, Cas." she said, as she let her fingers slide under her lover's skirt.  
Castiel sucked in a breath when Deanna's fingers worked their way under her underwear to directly massage her clit.  
She swore and her hands flew up to steady herself with her around slung around the other girl's neck, their lips finding each other once more.  
Painfully slow, she moved her hands back down to unzip Deanna's jean shorts.  
Castiel let her fingers slip beneath all of the cloth to find her bare ass, and she gripped it tight, nails digging into the flesh.  
"Holy-!" Deanna gasped and lost her rhythm. "Cas!"  
She pushed the blonde off of her just long enough to pull down her shorts and underwear and throw them to the side.  
Then, she forced Deanna down onto the bed and let her head fall between her legs, licking hungrily at her opening.  
"Jesus fuck!" she cried, and quickly threaded her fingers into Castiel's hair, forcing her head down a little harder.  
She rocked into the brunettes mouth for only a short time, before pushing her lover away and stripping her of all of her clothing, kissing her all over and making her shiver and moan deliciously.  
They rocked into each other, marveling at the joys of naked flesh upon naked flesh, and clawing at each other, trying to find some sort of impossible rhythm.  
The heat of an orgasm began to coil in the pit of Deanna's stomach, and she panted, moving faster against Castiel.  
"I'm close." she whimpered. "Baby, I'm close."  
Castiel gripped her by the ass again, forcing her harder against the other girl.  
She kissed her breasts and sucked on her nipples.  
Then, she whispered three little words into Deanna's ear.  
"I love you."  
Her lover was coming undone, screaming at the top of her lungs and arching into Castiel, bringing the other girl closer to her own release.  
Soon, she was crying Deanna's name and letting herself go as well, insane with the sight of the blonde's pleasure.  
Then, they were tangled together, breathing heavy and blissed out.  
Castiel moved the sheets out from underneath them, and covered Deanna and herself with them.  
"I love you, Deanna." she said once more.  
"I love you too, Cas." the blonde whispered, and she moved closer to Castiel, wrapping her arms tightly around her soft, smooth naked back.  
They wallowed in the perfection of the moment, looking into each other's eyes and smiling like idiots.  
Deanna kissed her gently.  
"I'm so glad you can love me, and tell me that you do." she said, with joy and disbelief.  
Castiel made a happy noise, and nuzzled into the blonde's neck.  
Then, Deanna took Castiel's forearm up in her hand, and brought it to her lips, kissing every cut o tenderly it almost made her cry.  
"No more of this, Castiel. No more." she said softly.  
"Okay." Cas said, and let her arm fall back down to Deanna's hip.  
They slept peacefully.

* * *

  
Castiel was awakened the next morning by her cellphone ringing.  
She quickly got out of bed, and picked it up, moving into the next room, not wanting to wake Deanna.  
"Hello?" she asked, a sappy smile still on her face.  
Who would even be calling her at six in the morning?  
"Hello Cassie. It's been a long time."  
She froze.  
No.  
It wasn't real.  
She was imagining this.  
"I know you're there, there's no use hiding from me, pet." he chuckled.  
"W-what do you want, Crowley?" she said, tears already falling down her cheeks.  
"I want you to come back to me, let me love you, and give me what I want, and I want you to leave Deanna Winchester out of it. Yes, I know who she is, and that's all the warning you need."  
No. No. No.  
This couldn't be happening.  
"Where?"  
"Ah, that's a good girl. I can pick you up right now. You don't need to bring anything, I can take care of you, as usual. Be a doll, get dressed, and I'll be right over."  
She took a shaky breath, and hung up the phone.  
Castiel was terrified. She was in panic mode.  
She found a piece of notebook paper, and quickly scribbled down a note for Deanna, frantically trying to find some way to leave her with some part of herself.  
Finally, she cut a lock of her hair, tied it with thread from the fabric of the dress she was wearing, and rushed back into Deanna's bedroom, to see the woman she loved one last time.  
"I love you, Deanna." she whispered, and kissed her ever so lightly on the forehead.  
Then, she heard a car door open, and she rushed outside.  
I'm doing this to save you, Deanna. she thought. Wait for me.


End file.
